My Overthinking

Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

Archives for October 2012

Somewhere Between

My head is literally hurting from thinking so much, sometimes to the point of tears.

With about a dozen adoptive mamas today, I sat in a comfortable theater chair and allowed a film–Somewhere Between–about four teenage girls who were adopted from China to make me very uncomfortable. I suppose that’s a good thing.

Girls sharing about their fear of failure, of feeling like they have to prove themselves of worth. Not physically resembling their families, not ever just blending in. Stares, unfair questions, the “kindness” of a stranger at the beauty shop welcoming them to America and telling them how lucky they are. The deep rooted desire to know something, anything, about their birth families. Another girl remembering the day she was left on the street corner. Finding a birth family and seeing the bedroom she didn’t grow up in. Saying goodbye to her birthfather, a redo of the goodbye they never got to have. The cries of a 5 year old when she realizes she’s leaving all she knows to come home with her adoptive family. I can’t get her crying face out of my mind.

You can see why my head is hurting.

I found myself driving with an urgency to get home leaving the theater tonight, wanting to scoop up my baby girl and take all the hard things away. Part of me feels so stuck that I can’t.

She greeted me at the kitchen door, sat on my lap, gave me lots of kisses and chattered away about her day. She’s sleeping peacefully now in our bed, all cozied up in a nest of covers. For now, right now, there are no hard things, only comfort. And, I can look at her and take a deep breath.

Tomorrow, next week, 10 years from now, Lord, help me to be the mother she needs me to be.

 

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Drew’s first of many

Me: Come on, Drew. If it doesn’t come out tonight, you will probably lose it in school tomorrow, and that would not be so good.
Drew: No.
Me: Okay, I tell you what, if you let Daddy pull it now, I’ll give you $5.
Rest of the family: ooooo….
Drew: $6
Me: $5.50
Drew: Is that more than $5?
Me: Yes.

We shake hands. And, Daddy gets a napkin.

The rest is history. 
Pathetically, I am now finding myself sneaking into the kids’ rooms to their chore money containers and borrowing money to leave the $5.50 owed Drew. I should’ve started with $2 and gone up to $2.50. I found $5.25 in Evan’s room and left a note there so I’d pay him back. He’ll never notice. Had to take the other quarter from Drew’s own money. I’ll replenish it. Honest. 

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Adoption Journey: Part 4

There we were. A family of 5. Living the all American dream, I guess. But, there was something we just couldn’t let go of. God had brought us to the place that we were ready to adopt. And, I just couldn’t let that go.

But, Mark thought he could. It wasn’t adoption Mark had the issue with–it was 4 kids. He loved our 3, but he would have been fine to stop at 2. Four kids meant crossing over from the realm of normal to the realm of “are all those kids yours?” It meant more chaos, more noise, more money, more stress.

There was an adoption conference in our area when Drew was only a couple months old. Mark honored me, and we went to it. We sat in the back with our infant and listened from a distance. We took notes, went to breakout sessions, and then left a bit early, blaming our little guy.

A couple weeks later, we got a handwritten letter in the mail from Jason Weber who had been the speaker at the event. I laughed aloud when I read it.

Dear Mark & Kelly, 
Hello! We were glad you were able to come last Saturday to the If You Were Mine workshop!! I just had to write to let you know of the very unlikely events that transpired.
Before one of the afternoon sessions, we drew for the church orphan ministry starter pack and, Mark, we drew your name. Because you were unable to be there, we said we would recall your name at the beginning of the last session and if you were not there, we would draw another name. So, as we promised, at the beginning of the last session, we called your name once more and then drew (from a pretty large number of entries) once again. You’ll never guess who we drew this time! Yes, it was you, Kelly. When we announced your name, the audience was adamant that it was God’s will for you to have this kit. In fact, they voted unanimously to have it sent to you. 
So, we don’t know what God is up to but we are sending your kit and you should have it very soon. May you be greatly blessed!!
In Him, Jason Weber

I told Mark it was a sign. He still thought I was crazy. So, we had a lot of books about adoption now….and?…we also had a nursing baby…and a 2 year old and a 4 year old, a very challenging 4 year old.

I remembered the dream I had had years earlier–the dream about an Asian girl when I had wanted a Russian boy. Everything seemed to make sense.

I tried convincing him. I tried showing him websites related to adoption, pictures of children who moved my heart. I talked about it…a lot. And, then I remembered the lesson God taught me about 5 years earlier. So, I let it go.

Lord, change my heart or change his. Move in him to make him feel a desire to do this, or remove the desire from my heart to grow our family through adoption. 

I stopped initiating conversation about it, stopped emailing, stopped trying to make it work. If adoption came up in conversation somehow, I’d engage but not push. I just kept praying.

On Drew’s first birthday, March 29th, 2007, Mark walked in the back door into the kitchen where I was preparing dinner, and everything changed.

“We need to do it. If we don’t do it now, I think we’d be disobedient.”

“What? Do what?”

“I think we should adopt. And, I think we should start it now.”

Just like that, 2 1/2 years after I dreamed of her, we were adopting our daughter from China.

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{Parenting} requires an IEP

5 years ago, I sat in my first IEP meeting and cried. The labels in front of me on a 25-page, single-spaced evaluation report answered questions but took my breath away at the same time. The words learning support sounded less stigmatizing than special education, but they really meant the same thing. Our son would not be in the normal classroom and would need strategies and special helps and therapies. The labels told us that. He told us that.

We had a lot of meetings that year. And, I cried at every one. It wasn’t what I had pictured; he didn’t fit what I had pictured, the dream I had in my mind. I wondered if he’d be the child who never left the nest. Would he be able to balance a checkbook? hold a job? be a husband and father? I wanted a cure for all his deficiencies and delays, a cure where only strategies could be promised.

I don’t remember all the specialists’ words (or even who they were) and all the papers I signed that year. But, I do remember one particular conversation with his kindergarten teacher. In fact, I can still picture it perfectly. We were sitting at little desks in little chairs. She was handing me tissues and then she said it—“There’s nothing wrong with Evan. He doesn’t need to be fixed.”

And, just like that, it was a defining moment in my motherhood. I stopped seeing him as being broken and needing repair. Instead, I saw him as a unique little man and saw myself as the woman called to be his mother and advocate. And, I had no idea how to do that for this child who needed so much. Miss Capable became Miss Unable as I faced that calling. I realized I was the one with deficiencies and delays, the one who needed strategies. Could I get a Parenting IEP, please?

Goals:
(1) to put the current needs of her child ahead of her own agenda and/or dreams/plans for the future;
(2) to recognize her weaknesses and shortcomings in parenting and seek to grow in those areas through bringing in other resources as needed;
(3) to become increasingly comfortable with the unknowns inherent to parenting a child with special needs and, frankly, any child;
(4) to ask the question, “What does my child need right now?” with compassion when facing her child’s challenging behaviors;
(5) to be able to name 5 abilities of each of her children without hesitation, focusing on their ABILities rather than any DISabilities;
(6) to demonstrate an awareness that she is not alone; and
(7) to live each day with an assurance that God chose her in particular to be the parent to each of her children and that they belong to Him.

A lot has happened in 5 years. Following an IEP meeting this week, we’re transitioning Evan into full inclusion so that he spends all his time in the mainstream classroom. He’s been doing so well. And, he asked for this change himself which is really something in and of itself. And, he’s ready. We’re all watching closely, but he’s ready.

I think we’ve both done really well meeting our IEP goals.

{happy sigh}

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