I’ve overthought adoption disruption (and shared it here). While I stand by my words and the thoughts and theology behind them, tonight, I’m rereading them…maybe a couple times over. And, I need to be reminded of God’s sovereignty as I read. Because disruption sucks. And, every sentence I find myself typing and then deleting after that one sentence seems futile. That’s pretty much the gist of it. It sucks.

We had already planned to hit a local diner for french toast breakfast specials before going to the $1 family movie today. I sipped on my strong coffee, sandwiched on a red pleather seat between my boys, watching my girls color together as we waited for our specials to arrive. When you add coffee and a captive audience together with a mama’s burdened heart over news too hard to fully reconcile, you better ready yourself for a conversation.

I told them about the disruption. They knew too much to not be told. Lydia kept coloring but nodded in agreement when her sister responded about how it was sad. With childhood naiveté, Evan suggested that maybe the child should’ve behaved better.

That’s when this burdened mama’s heart became something else entirely. There was something my child had to hear.

You need to know something. Your obedience to us, your behavior, has no effect on how much we love you. You got that? We love you no matter what. Good behavior doesn’t make us “love you more.” We get the fact that obedience doesn’t come naturally to you; it doesn’t come naturally to anyone. We have to learn to obey as we love God and He works in us. And, our job as parents is to help you learn to obey. That’s what we’re about.

Our family? We’re called to do 3 things—LOVE GOD, LOVE EACH OTHER, and LOVE THOSE HE PUTS BEFORE US. If God puts someone before us; we’re going to love them. That’s our job. We aren’t looking to adopt again. But, if that job means He wants us to adopt again, we will do that. If that simply means we love the people we see everyday, we will do that. And, we’re going to love no matter what people are like and how they behave, because that’s what God wants us to do as a family. We have to be the ones to help them learn how to obey and do the right thing, not in a mean, bossy way but in a way that shows them how their lives can change. We as a family have the power to do that, and that’s what we’re about. Okay?

All the while, cheap waxy crayons colored ocean scenes until they snapped in half as they always do, and bottoms bounced on springy pleather seats. Moments later, we ate french toast dipped in ungodly amounts of syrup, finished my coffee, and drove off to the movie theater to see a movie we had barely previewed which happened to be about loving those different from you for who they are on the inside.

My heart’s still heavy as I revel in the quiet of my house tonight. Broken hearts, broken dreams, broken lives abound. And, it sucks. The reminder of that can slap you in the face and sting for a good while. He’s sovereign; somehow, He’s sovereign. I have to cling to that instead of all the “ifs” I could keep playing over in my head. Until He comes again or we meet Him face to face, we will love him, love each other, and love those He puts before us—in their brokenness, right where they are.