This post originally published back in January of 2013, nearly a year ago, got a lot of attention. In fact, it led to some powerful interaction with an insightful adoption rights blogger and world changer and a radio appearance. Super proud of being a part of some world change myself through this piece.
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It was about a year ago. We were standing outside a cafe chatting away, adoptive moms to adoptive moms. I don’t even remember what I was talking about exactly when another mom, a mom who has become a dear friend (you can check out Amber’s blog by clicking HERE), interrupted me to correct me.
Expectant mom not birthmom. She’s not a birth mom until she places a child for adoption. Right now, she’s an expectant mom.
I stumbled over my words a bit but accepted her correction. Really though? Is that verbiage that big of deal? I usually overthink all the adoption verbiage, but really? Can I not use birthmom without having to overthink that too?
5 days ago, I helped a friend out by sharing her post on Facebook.
Do you know of a family who wants to adopt? I know of a PA birth mom, due 2/28-3/5 with a full Caucasian baby girl. No drug or alcohol exposure, just began prenatal care. She is parenting 2 little ones, cannot raise another baby. She does need reasonable living expenses (thus PA residents are not eligible). She is looking for an active, loving couple who is willing to meet and have ongoing contact in an open adoption. She prefers a couple under 40, but will consider a little older (40-43), would like a couple with no more than 1 child. PM me if you would like to be connected with the friend of mine who is working with her.
I just copied and pasted, didn’t overthink anything, just wanted to get the word out, trusting that the right family for this child would see it.
Whether or not the right family saw it hasn’t been confirmed yet, but I can tell you that a lot of families saw it. Like thousands of families. My inbox couldn’t keep up with all the messages I started getting. I’m still getting them–some with full profiles, their whole histories, youtube videos, etc. etc.
As I read each and every one of those messages, all from couples desperately wanting to parent, I remembered my conversation with my friend.
Expectant mom not birthmom. She’s not a birth mom until she places a child for adoption. Right now, she’s an expectant mom.
She was so right for correcting me.
illustration by Barry Falls, grabbed from NYTimes
I don’t know this woman due in only 2 months. I can’t begin to understand what her days are like, what today is like for her. I imagine that she’s exhausted both physically and emotionally. I imagine she’s getting up in the middle of the night too many times to keep count between dealing with a toddler who still cries out at night and having to get up to pee…again. I imagine she fights an internal battle daily as she feels her baby girl squirming around inside her but hear’s the cries of the children she’s parenting and sees the bills stacking up on her counter. I imagine she feels alone and inadequate and remembers ideas she had of what life would be like for her and wonders if she’ll ever get remotely close to them again. I imagine she is looking for redemption somehow and thinks that maybe knowing that her baby would be raised by a couple who desperately want a child would somehow bring that. But, that’s just what I imagine.
She’s expecting. And, she’s hurting. That’s what I know.
I feel ashamed of my own act of hitting ctrl-C and ctrl-V to put those words on my page as if she’s somehow reduced to a baby carrier and that I encouraged hurting couples to write to me with verbiage in kind. I have found myself thanking those people who used the words expectant mom in their messages to me and encouraged them for their compassion and sensitivity.
So, here it goes. For anyone out there reading these words now — it’s expectant mom not birthmom. She’s not a birth mom until she places a child for adoption. Right now, she’s an expectant mom. And, if you’re talking to or about women who are considering placing their children for adoption, please use the words expectant mom. It’s kind, sensitive, compassionate towards the only thing we can truly know of them that is true–they are expecting and they are hurting.
