My Overthinking

Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

Archives for March 2017

Are you called to be a warrior? {Prayer for TC2017}

March 31st-April 2nd has been marked on our calendars for literally over a year now. On those dates is our largest event of the year in terms of numbers and likely logistical effort. It was born at a cafe (arguably, all good ideas start with a cup of coffee). A group of women gathered there to talk about how we could better serve the needs of adoptive moms, how we could support women locally, how we could come together in unity to encourage and bless each other. We sipped our lattes and shared challenges and ideas in this faithful brain trust and landed on something big that kind of took all of our breath away. We needed something for couples, not women alone, not for simply a community of mamas; we needed something to build us up together, to build our marriages.

I think Mark may have gasped a little that evening when I came home and told him that The Sparrow Fund may or may not have just added a marriage retreat to our program repertoire. But, it didn’t take him long to catch the vision for it. It just made sense. The best way to serve families is to build up the partnership between a husband and a wife.

We started with 60 couples in 2013. In 2014, we added a few more couples, forcing us to have overflow housing at another hotel. In 2015, we moved to a larger place to open it up to a few more people while still keeping a small retreat feel. In 2016, we had about 100 couples from 12 different states around the country. We somehow arrived to 2017 and to our 5th Together Called happening in only a few days now with about 110 couples coming, filling the entire resort. The magnitude of the impact of pouring into these 220 parents who are in turn pouring themselves out is incredible.

As this weekend has gotten closer and closer, the magnitude has become more and more apparent but also has the mess that often comes with that. Where there is a place for transformation, life change, and healing as these marriages are and can be, there is also opportunity for weariness and a sense of never, impossible, and stuck to creep in. We need prayer in a significant way as Mark and I lead the charge for a team of us–all of whom come with our own stories–to serve each one of these men and women and enter into their stories. We could ask you to simply pray; we know many of you would do that. But, we want to be intentional to have consistent prayer coverage over the course of the whole weekend. The needs of the couples coming are that great—our needs as a couple seeking to be an effective conduit of His mercy and hope are that great.

If you want to pray at any time however you are led, please do and let us know that you did because it will build us up and encourage us as we press on. If you want to pray over a specific time frame to be a part of consistent prayer coverage for specific needs that we’ll provide to you, then let us know by signing up on the Google form HERE.

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Happy Grace Day {Grace turns 2}

On this morning, two years ago, I was holding my breath. So was the woman before me. She clutched her side and tried to convince us all that she wasn’t as far along in labor as she was. The next 90 minutes were like an episode of Amazing Race with the end goal being a brand new baby girl.

And, we won.

We fought against a family planning policy that limited this family to two children or one son {meaning, if their first child was a girl, they were allowed to have a second child to try again for a boy. Their first child was a boy.}. We fought against immigration policies and all sorts of policies that make it hard for a woman and a child to leave their country and enter ours. We fought against our own selfishness and self-protection and inclination to say mine mine mine with our home and our food and our things.

And, we won. With help from a lot of people, we won. And, as a result, one of the most beautiful little creatures ever created entered the world…here…in the land of the free and the brave…to a mama who is one of the bravest people I know.

Grace birth announcement 2

Today, that beautiful little creature turns two.

And, she’s just as marvelous as she was then…especially when she sends me messages on WeChat saying “Aunt Kelly.”

 

 

 

 

Two days after Grace turned 7 months old, China announced a big change to their family planning policy that had been in effect for three decades. As of the start of 2016, families across the nation would be allowed two children regardless of the children’s gender. Unfortunately, the law is not retroactive. So, over a year after the law change, Grace is still considered an illegal birth. Despite the fact that she holds U.S. citizenship, in order to register her in China for her ID card so that she can go to school, receive benefits allowed to their citizens, and even buy train tickets, her parents are still being told they will need to pay an exorbitant fine not required for second children born only 9 months after her.

We will keep praying for more changes, better changes, and for this child who He’s going to use for big, big things. He already has.

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To my friend on the eve of her adoption day

In January, when we visited the orphanage where you have lived, we took so many pictures, hundreds of pictures! My friend Nicole spent a lot of time behind a fancy camera. I am sure you remember her because you borrowed that fancy camera to take a few pictures yourself.

Nicole’s pictures are beautiful—pictures of sweet little babies, pictures of people caring for each other, and pictures that just make me smile. But, of all the pictures she took, I think my favorite one is this one of you.

I remember exactly when and where it was taken. We were in the park, about to draw a crowd who wanted to see what we were doing. We divided the children into two groups and the Americans along with them. The kids were bouncing with excitement, so much so that we wondered if the games would work at all! In the middle of the chaos, there you were, ready to lead, confident, seemingly unaffected by the unbound energy, maybe even stronger because of it. This picture captured it all in one image. When I look at this picture, I see so many friends. But, mostly, I see a beautiful girl who has thrived despite a lot of hard things. I see a girl with big dreams for a faraway place. I see why so many children there call her their best friend. I see a girl I’m proud to call my friend.

There will be lots of happy ahead for you but lots of hard days too as you learn a lot of new things and miss the place you have known as home. When those days come, remember that your mother chose you and stopped at nothing to make you her girl. Look at this picture and know that you are worthy of her love.

I cannot wait to follow your journey as you become the woman you are meant to be.

Kelly Ayi

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It shouldn’t be this hard

You spent hours in training. You learned about what trauma is and what it looks like. You probably even have a certificate to prove it. You spent more hours in another type of classroom, reading books that made you stop and catch your breath and blog posts that made you question what you were signing up for. Are they trying to scare me? Is adoption really as hard as it sounds like it is? You pressed onward regardless, with fear and trepidation yet hopeful. Maybe it was all the before-and-after pictures you scoured the Internet for that encouraged you. Those children were smiling; those families looked happy.

It seems like forever ago. Now here you are.

He was the perfect baby. That’s what his mom told me at her first appointment. She told me how smooth their transition was, how he wanted her to hold him all the time and how she swooned for him. The pictures that filled her phone and her Instagram feed proved it. He was the idyllic before-and-after child, wide eyed and serious before and swinging from monkey bars and smiling with mommy spotting him after. She gave all the books she had read before he came home away; they were for other families. Yet, here she sat sharing in tears about how hard the last year had been, how the boy who was content and never tantrumed at age 2 now is seemingly out of control at 8.

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The time between going through ovulation kits and putting together a dossier wasn’t long. When biology wasn’t cooperating for baby #2, they decided adoption was how they were called to build their family. And, build they did. When #2 wasn’t nearly as hard as they expected, they pressed on. Three and then four children sit at their kitchen table every night for meals full of spaghetti and meatballs as well as redos, choices, and time-ins, all the strategies they read about put into practice. They’re happy, for the most part. They love each other. They’re committed to each other. They want the same things. And, they both want more for their family than what they have now. They find themselves whispering at night wondering if those books were really true after all. They’re doing everything right, so why isn’t everything right?

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She was so cute. Her mother had looked at her picture so many times; for some reason, she still wondered if she’d know her when she saw her in person for the first time. The trip to meet her and bring her home was nothing short of a dream. They made a great video to memorialize it. Now, it was life. It was balancing the needs of more than a few children. It was a lot of appointments and a lot of tired and just a lot. One afternoon while she sat on the floor watching that cute baby—her baby—toddle around the room, she found herself thinking, “What have we done? Am I really cut out for this?” For the first time in a while, something actually felt more overwhelming than the task of mothering—shame.

It shouldn’t be this hard. I did all my homework. I checked all the boxes. I read the books, heeded the warnings, knew the red flags….Why are we here years later?…What’s wrong with my child?…What’s wrong with me?

They are some of the words they hear in their heads. They are some of the words I heard in my head when I sat on that living room floor.
Until I replaced them with truth.

There is hope. Take a deep breath. Your child may not show it, but he needs you. He needs what you can provide and do for him; but, more than that, he just needs you. When she’s screaming and biting or stumping her feet, I know she’s saying she doesn’t need or want you at all. But, that’s just the expression of a whole lot mixed up inside her; it’s not truth. Look for glimpses of something beautiful—a carefree laugh, gentle touch and whispers given to the family dog, accepting a “no” from you without fighting back. It may seem like such a little glimpse, but those little glimpses are something to celebrate. Magnify the good. Practice paying attention to those glimpses and calling them out for your child’s sake and your own. When you magnify something, it gets bigger and bigger so it’s easier to notice, easier to pay attention to. And, you just may find that those celebrated and magnified moments start to redefine what is hard and easy, bad and good so that those words you hear in your head start to change too.

This is hard. It doesn’t look good or feel good right now, but right now is only right now. I’m not perfect. My child’s not perfect. Our relationship isn’t perfect. There are things we can do better. But, I am seeing something good, and I’m going to think about that good right now. There is hope. And, I’m pressing on with fear and trepidation as I did years ago but with hope for my child and for me and for our family, for today, for tomorrow, and tomorrows after that.

Don’t stop here. Read It Shouldn’t Be This Easy HERE.

This post appeared first on No Hands But Ours.

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