My Overthinking

Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

…but we’re afraid

The words in my inbox were words I had read before. 

we’ve been prayerfully considering adoption…but we are both still wrestling with a lot of fear and uncertainty….I know God will provide, but I really don’t know how to move beyond this place of fear.

The same words have been parts of other messages from other women. The same words had been written on my own heart years ago.

I remember when our family story began. Mark and I met at Young Life camp right before my senior year of college. Only 3 months later, after only phone calls and emails (which was nearly brand new), we started talking serious, and I knew where we were headed. After one of those late night phone calls with Mark, I called my mom, and I cried. I was scared out of my mind. I knew he was amazing and that God was leading and I was following — all good things. But, I was so uncomfortable and scared of the unknown and the commitment I was likely to be saying yes to soon. Fear and uncertainty filled me. My mom said something seemingly not all that brilliant; yet, 15 years later, here I am with her words still playing over in my head. They were words that quieted me and helped me move past my own self in spite of myself.

Kelly, I’d be worried if you weren’t scared.

Here’s the thing. Adoption is a big deal. And, wrestling with fear and uncertainty is right where you should be. It’s all part of the adoption journey. If we take that lightly and not wrestle with it, well, that’s when I’d be concerned.

It’s really not about having the best parenting skills or being able to stay at home or knowing all about attachment or all that we can wrongly claim as making as fully able and therefore ready. It’s about discerning if God has called you to it and if He has, if that timing is now. Even after we discerned that ourselves, I still battled fear, fear that literally took me prostrate to the ground at times. Some days while we waited, I wondered if we were making a mistake. I wondered if I forced something and if we were headed down the wrong path, if I’d be able to cut it, if I could really love a child who wasn’t “my own,” if I was motivated by the wrong reasons. But, God wouldn’t let us not do it. So, we pressed on. It wasn’t the easiest road–the wait, looking over files of very real children, traveling across the world, coming home with a toddler who was now our own, the grafting process. But, I know that right here is where God wants me to be, even when I’m overwhelmed by my inadequacy and wondering what He’s doing.

No one is “perfect” for this journey. But, He is and the journey itself is when He has called you to it.

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Still

I wanted a word of the year. The peer pressure of the blogosphere gripped me.

Such great words I saw out there–new…such a good one to claim, all things new, fresh, full of hope. enjoy…like that, being intentional to really enjoy each day. mercy…ahh, makes me soul take a deep breath, to give it and be able to receive it, not sure which is actually harder. document…great word to keep in mind particularly for mothers who can get caught up in the busyness and forget.

Everybody had such great words they claimed. I wanted a great word. And, nothing. No inspiration for a word for 2013. No epiphanies. No aha moments. Whatever, who needs a word for 2013 anyway. It’s just a word, a little bloggy trend thing anyway. Maybe my word should be wannabe or whatever; yeah, that’s a word, right?

Then, she fed it to me just like that, put it right into my ears that went right to my heart than is now spilling out quite clumsily in words on a white screen.

Mama, I even love you still.

I laughed when she said it, her words all a-jumbled. I treated it just like any other jumbling like when she was playing hairdresser with me and asked if I wanted my hair princessy or spicy (instead of spiky–I chose spicy, by the way). Her cuteness can be tangible.

Yet, days later and days after all the bloggers have posted their own words and moved onto other stories, I’m still thinking about it. still. 

I’m anticipating a bit of a wild year. We’re making some big leaps around here this year. While the words change or purpose or passion seem more fitting. I find myself dwelling on the word still. 

And, while this lady who is 2 weeks late to the word-of-the-year party loves the idea of being still, that’s not what I’ve been dwelling on.

It’s been the passing of time, the even still, part of still. 
It’s the choosing to serve when I’m tired and selfish and want to be alone, still serving. It’s the giving when I want to keep my fists firmly closed, still giving. It’s saying yes when I what I really want to do is say no, still surrendering. It’s the long obedience in the same direction putting aside fear and doubt, still obeying. 
I’m claiming it. Why? because I still need reminding, I still need encouragement, I still need.  
The parties are all over, but I got my word after all (and even a little word art image to go with it). 

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Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing {Three Simple Words}

Remember our nightly advent readings? We were in a groove, so we’ve kept it up. And, I’m beginning to think these readings are as much for me as them–maybe more for me.

‘Treasure these words of mine in your heart and in your soul.’ Deuteronomy 11:18
What words does God want you to treasure in the deepest part of you? ‘Be good’? ‘Do it better’? ‘Try harder’? Are those the words God wrote in the Bible for us, to rescue and free us?
No. Those words only show us what we can’t do.
The words God wants us to remember are three small ones: ‘I love you!’
They are the words that stop the Terrible Lie that Satan whispered to Eve in the garden: ‘God doesn’t love you!’ They are the words that heal the poison in our hearts that stops us from trusting God.
They are the words that Jesus came to tell us with his whole life.
They are the words he died to prove.
What words will you treasure today?

{From Sally Lloyd-Jones’ Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing}

So…what words are you treasuring today? Do better. Do more. Work harder. Be a better mom, wife, Christian….or simply I love you. No strings attached. No ifs. Just I love you, with the understanding that nothing you can do can make that love any more or any less.

That’s a thought to make my heart sing.

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Advent {My Spiritual Booster Shot}

It’s time. The perforated cardboard doors are all open. All the felt pockets are empty of their trinkets. A couple days ago, we read about Ezra and Nehemiah. But, the very next reading jumped ahead hundreds of years to what they all had been talking about and waiting for. My audience was captivated.

The God who flung planets into space and kept them whirling around and around, the God who made the universe with just a word, the one who could do anything at all – was making himself small. And coming down…as a baby.

That’s what advent is all about.

Anticipation.

Preparation.

His coming near.

Sacrifice.

The perfect to the broken, the holy to the unholy.

Jesus came.

Tonight, we will sing with countless others around the world that God with man is now residing. Somehow we will sing in unison; we’ll invite each other to come and worship, come and worship. We will light candles. We will dress our daughters in pretty dresses. Fight our sons to smile for pictures. Tomorrow, we’ll hug cousins and aunts and uncles. Laugh together, eat together, share together after we get the kids all settled in their sleeping bags or beds, wherever we can pile them all in.

Meanwhile, the needles from our tree continue to drop, and the trashmen will be greeted next week by bags of ripped paper. Credit card bills are on their way.

But, advent doesn’t just stop when the Christmas carols are no longer on the radio. I want an advent spirit. Lord, will you give me that for Christmas this year? An advent spirit? I want a spirit of expectation, to live in expectation, to live with watchfulness. It doesn’t have to be just for 24 days in December each year. I want it all year, everyday. Eyes that no longer hold my spirit back with only seeing the mundane but release my spirit with glimpses of the extraordinary.

I want to be one of the saints before the altar bending, watching long in hope and fear…everyday. Advent and Christmas at the culmination of it is just the booster shot I need.

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