I told her it was probably just routine. Her pediatrician just thought we should have it checked out. I was sure we were just ticking a box and would leave the orthopedist’s office with a follow-up appointment next year sometime.

But, we didn’t.

Instead, we left with an X-ray picture of a spine that looked like an S and a business card for someone who specializes in back braces.

My little girl needs a back brace. With maybe 2 more years of growth, her moderate case of scoliosis could become a more serious case of scoliosis. Wearing a brace at least 20 hours a day, putting pressure on the specific places that are curved should keep that from happening.

Today, about two weeks after an orthopedist gently told her life was going to be a little different for a while, she got it. Custom made and even more custom fit to be exactly what she needs…it’s hers. And, it’s hers for a while.

I’ve shown her compassion for how hard this will be–having to change what she wears everyday, not being able to bend at the waist, the pain of the pressure pushing on her curves, not being able to curl up at night to sleep. And, I’ve told her that of every kid I’ve ever known my whole entire life, she’s the one I know without a doubt can do this. She’s strong. She perseveres. She focuses on the end goal and hopes in the One can make it happen. But, I’ve also told her that I am falling on both sides, that I want to sympathize but also cheer her own, that I want to cry with her but also tell her there are great things in store for her even still and that I can’t wait to see how God redeems and shapes her body as well as her heart.

I think she gets where I am. I’m kind of all over the place. But, no matter where I am at any particular moment, I’m right beside her, wanting to be the mom she needs me to be and reminding her of the One who made her perfectly.

 

I still remember her. She was the best. My 1st grade self loved her big smile and her early 80s old-lady perm. Everyday, she’d stand by the classroom door at the end of the day and hug each and every one of us. I was excited to go to school everyday because of her and her Mr. Rogers-ish ways. It’s a parents’ dream—a kid who loves school and has a teacher who showers their son or daughter with affection.

Except when it’s not exactly a dream.

Touch is a powerful thing. It can hurt tragically, and it can heal supernaturally. It makes neurons fire in our brain like the fourth of July. Touch is a remarkable God-given tool to build relationship and connection from the neighborly casual to the most intimate. And, it’s something our children who have had hard starts often have a hard time with. Some kids can’t get enough of it; some kids struggle to accept and receive it at all. And when they struggle with touch, we as parents struggle along with them.

When our kids are small, we can hold them, literally “wear” them, cosleep, guard those moments when we feel trust and connection can build. But, those small kids grow bigger and our strategies to help them give and receive appropriate physical touch have to grow with them.

A few weeks into the school year, what do you do when you realize your child has the warmest, sweetest preschool teacher in the world or the veteran 1st-grade teacher who has a poster above her desk that says FREE HUGS HERE? You thank God that your child got that teacher and that you know he or she is being taught by someone who cares about their heart and not just their brain. And, then, you might want to think about writing an email with a gentle request. Touch is important in the classroom; research and personal experience tell us so. But, high fives and fist bumps can do the trick and allow you to save those hugs and kisses for home.

Want a little jump start on that email? Here are two examples to get you started. The first is for the teacher of a child who goes after hugs and kisses from everybody; the second is for the teacher of a child who has a hard time giving and receiving affection. Copy and paste, switching out names and pronouns as appropriate. Or, simply let them be a starting point to create an email all your own. I’d love to read your final product, if you do. Send it to me; maybe yours will become the template for another family.

Regarding a Child Who Gives Indiscriminate Affection

Dear teacher,
We so appreciate you. You know how to successfully teach a child to do something he or she has not yet done before–which would be magic in and of itself. But, somehow, you manage to not only teach a child but teach him or her in a room full of children. Each one of those children learns in his or her own unique way. And, each child comes from a different place and brings his or her own unique needs into your classroom everyday. What you are able to do by teaching each child individually and the entire class corporately is nothing short of an everyday miracle. We don’t take that lightly!

On top of all that magical teaching stuff, we know you care about each child. You care about their stories. We can tell. We can tell when you look right into their eyes and greet them in the morning (that doesn’t go unnoticed). And, we can tell when Jenny talks about her day and quotes little things you said (yeah, she does that). She knows you care. And, that’s so so important to us as parents…really really important. It’s because we know you truly care that I’m reaching out today and asking you to do something for Jenny that may seem slightly counterintuitive.

Jenny had a hard start. Children who aren’t in safe families where big people take care of little people often learn strategies to get what they need. One of those strategies is physical affection. It makes sense really. Big people respond to little people when they put their arms up and when they want hugs or a kiss. It works. But, it isn’t right. Our job, as moms and dads, is to show our children that we’re the big people who will take care of them, that we’re not temporary, we belong to them and we belong with them. Some days, John and I send that message well to Jenny and she receives it well. Other days, it’s a real struggle on both sides.

Would you be willing to help us in all this as you have Jenny in your care? It would be really helpful if you would partner with us to teach her that there are better, safer strategies than physical affection to get what she needs. At home, we are working on teaching her that we are always available and willing to give hugs and kisses but if there’s something she needs, she use words and simply ask for it. She often hears, “You know, if you need something, all you have to do is ask!” Another thing we have tried to teach is that hugs and kisses are for family, and high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else. We want to guard hugs and kisses as best we can so she learns boundaries and sees them as a “family thing.” So, can I ask you to do something that may feel a little strange at first? When she reaches out to hug you–as I expect she will–can you redirect her with a high five or a fist bump?

We want her to continue to feel the care from you that she has been because that’s important. We want her to know that we’d never send her somewhere we didn’t think was safe and that we trust you to take good care of her and teach her well. We know touch is a great way for her to experience that care. But, I truly believe that she’ll get it through the high five or fist bump paired with the consistency and personal attention that we know she is getting from you.

Let us know what you think as you find time to respond. We would love to keep the lines of communication open so that you are not only partnering with us, but we are partnering with you.

-Jenny’s mom

Regarding a Child Who Struggles to Give and Receive Physical Affection

Dear teacher,
We so appreciate you. You know how to successfully teach a child to do something he or she has not yet done before–which would be magic in and of itself. But, somehow, you manage to not only teach a child but teach him or her in a room full of children. Each one of those children learns in his or her own unique way. And, each child comes from a different place and brings his or her own unique needs into your classroom everyday. What you are able to do by teaching each child individually and the entire class corporately is nothing short of an everyday miracle. We don’t take that lightly!

On top of all that magical teaching stuff, we know you care about each child. You care about their stories. We can tell. We can tell when you look right into their eyes and greet them in the morning (that doesn’t go unnoticed). And, we can tell when Jenny talks about her day and quotes little things you said (yeah, she does that). She knows you care. And, that’s so so important to us as parents…really really important. It’s because we know you truly care that I’m reaching out today and asking you to do something for Jenny that may seem slightly counterintuitive.

Jenny had a hard start. Children who aren’t in safe families where big people take good care of little people are affected in significant ways. One of those ways is in giving and taking in affection. It makes sense. When a child hasn’t experienced safe and sufficient nurturing as a baby, closeness can be really hard. It can make them feel vulnerable and threatened. We’ve been working on that as a family, practicing giving and receiving hugs and kisses. And, we’ve celebrated a lot of growth there. But, we’ve always been very careful, intentionally guarding that closeness, reserving hugs to family only and practicing the exclusivity of our family, something Jenny, unlike most children who have not experienced a hard start, needs to learn.

We are excited to have her a part of your class this year, but we’re also a little anxious. We are concerned that as we widen her circle, the small but significant successes we’ve seen may be hindered. Would you be willing to help us in all this as you have Jenny in your care? Would you be willing to reinforce what we have been working so hard for at home? One way you could do that is by not giving her hugs or kisses; they’re a “family thing.” We do want her to trust other caregivers who we trust and build appropriate connections there. We aren’t opposed to touch; we know touch is important to connection. But, high fives and fist bumps are best for her (and they’ll go a long way with her!). Hugs and kisses are for family, for people you love; high fives and fist bumps are for everyone else, people you like and who like you. That’s what we want her to learn–which is way more important to us than all the letters and numbers combined.

Let us know what you think as you find time to respond. We would love to keep the lines of communication open so that you are not only partnering with us, but we are partnering with you. If you have questions, we welcome you to ask. I can’t promise I’ll have an answer for you, but I’ll do my best to find one as I know you are doing for my child and the rest of her class.

-Jenny’s mom

Everything seemed totally fine to me. No headaches. No squinting. Everything seemed crystal clear to me. But, that didn’t seem to matter when it came to the letters on the poster down the hall. I was going to get a physical, tick a box to say it was done but my mistaken Es, Fs, Gs, and Qs just led me to add another box on the list to tick. She told me I tested at 20/40. I started imagining what hipster glasses I’d be able to pull off.

I finally got around to making that optometrist appointment a month or two later. I mean, what’s the rush to get funky glasses when I was still able to do life without them? He put all sorts of lenses in front of my eyes, showed me likely the same chart that I had supposedly bombed a couple months earlier, then told me I had 20/20 vision when using both eyes together (which I typically do). So, no glasses for me after all. Come back when age wins and my arms aren’t long enough to help me focus better, he told me. Then, he filled my eyes with some crazy drops and took one last look.

Then something changed.

I hadn’t been to an eye doctor in about 15 years, but I knew he was looking for longer than he should. Then, he started questions about family history and pain. He started talking irises and
trabecular meshwork and blindness and iridotomies.

I have what’s called acutely narrow angles. There is small space in your eye called the “Angle” that has an upper boundary of the cornea (clear window of the eye) and a lower boundary of the iris (colored part of the eye), with these structures coming together like the sides of a triangle. Here, there is usually plenty of space for the fluid of your eye to pass next to the iris and out through what’s called the trabecular meshwork. In some people though, the eye is shaped a bit differently, and this drainage area that is supposed to be a 45 degree angle is very narrow (like in my silly eyes which have 5 degree angles). Under certain circumstances, such as dim illumination or stressful situations (of which I have plenty), the drain can completely close off. When this happens, the fluid continues to be produced and the pressure inside the eye increases over minutes to hours and leads to a form of glaucoma that can leave you blind. That’s not good.

There’s no symptoms, no way to know I had this…that is, no way except by finding myself in the ER due to excruciating eye pain and headaches or by going to see an eye doctor…which I did only because of a misread eye exam at my physical.

Urgent eye surgery is definitely not as hipster as a pair of glasses. But, it’s how I roll. So, I’ll try to be cool about it when I head to the eye surgical center early tomorrow AM and bring down the average age in the waiting room by a couple decades. I’ll have an iridotomy on one of my eyes, where the doctor will make a small hole in one of my irises using a laser so that the fluid has an escape route and my eye pressure doesn’t explode. It’s quick but a little “uncomfortable” I’m told (which likely means there will be gnashing of teeth…I am not a big fan of “uncomfortable”). Then, next week, I do it all over again for eye #2. Don’t know if it should make me feel better or worse that the doctor won’t do both eyes at one time due to risk.

Maybe when I’m in China in a few weeks, I’ll buy myself some super cool sunglasses.