As I’ve been scurrying around preparing for this coming trip to the orphanage, this song has been playing over and over again in my head.

I could hold on, I could hold onto who I am and never let You change me from the inside.
And, I could be safe, I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home, never let these walls down.

But, You have called me higher; You have called me deeper. And, I’ll go where You will lead me, Lord.
You have called me higher; You have called me deeper. And, I’ll go where You will lead me, Lord.
Where You lead me, Lord.

I guess God’s placed it in my head for a reason—I need to be reminded. Planning an ayi training for the first time, preparing for an English class for the first time, leading a team of 14 other people, and leaving my family for 2 weeks—when I really consider all that’s happening, I can so easily find myself thinking I’m in over my head. And, when I think that, I could find myself falling into doubt. Can I do this? Who am I? This is crazy. Am I crazy?

But, then I hear the song again.

I could be safe and never leave home. We all could. I could put my energy instead into protecting myself and the crew in my home and stay right where I am. But, I don’t want to. I want to go where He is leading and help others do the same. I want to be changed from the inside and have a front-row seat to that change in the people before me. He’s called me to this; He’s called me deeper. And, right now, the only place I want to be is in over my head in the depth of that calling, allowing Him to use me despite myself and my often foolish agendas.

You may not be leaving home this week as we are; that’s okay. He hasn’t called you to go this time. But, you can be a part of the work from right where you are in a sacrificial way via prayer. And, we need you to be, firmly believing that there is great power in having prayer warriors supporting us.

I’d like you to consider signing up to cover us in prayer over the course of a morning or over one of your evenings. Just email me to find out how to do that. Before we leave in the wee hours of the morning on Wednesday, I will email out some prayer requests and prompts to those who have signed up to pray. And, I will thank God for you, the huge team of people who are standing with our small team of 15, encouraging us, holding our arms up, interceding for us so that we can magnify Him and be a blessing to those He places before us from the newborn babies to the elderly foster mothers and everyone in between. I’m in over my head with good company.

I’m in crunch time. I leave on Wednesday (at like 2:45am…so is it fair to just say that I leave Tuesday night?). I’m still putting together the curriculum for the entry level English class that we’re offering for the older kiddos at the orphanage. We’re teaching English feeling words/phrases (yeah, everything is multi-purposeful, right?)

I am mad.
I am sad.
I am glad.
I am scared.
I am hungry.
I am thirsty.
I am full.
I am tired.
I am hurt.

One of the activities we are planning involves showing the kids images and having them identify that by one of those phrases then tell us a story about the picture (that part they’ll do in Mandarin).

But, I am not doing great collecting a bunch of pictures. I’ve got some, but not enough. Here’s a sampling…

Do you have any in your collection you could share? A sleepy child? A hot and sweaty child who could be either tired or thirsty? A child sitting in front of an empty dinner plate? A child whose balloon just popped or ice cream just fell? I don’t want just faces but images that lend themselves to interpretation and a story.

Send them to me, people!

Ugh. That’s what happens.

I have trouble sleeping because a leftover cough from a cold just doesn’t want to go away. Orphanage gifts arrive misprinted and have to be redone. Very pretty ayi gifts arrive but aren’t what I had envisioned and now I wait for divinely provided replacements to arrive. We lose a hearing with our car insurance company over an accident I was in last year which is not good news at all. Together Called registration is this Sunday. I’m feeling irritated at the dumb person who chose the Sunday night before the China trip which also happens to be my birthday as registration night. Then, I remember that that was me. Darn me. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow that I’ve been dreading for weeks because I’m expecting to leave being told that I need to have some stuff scheduled for after China that I really don’t want to face. My to-do list is growing. My suitcase unfortunately is not growing, and I’m realizing all the stuff that I need to put in it is. PowerPoints have yet to be put together though they’ve been on to-do lists for weeks and have even been transferred to new lists. I’m starting to look at 14 hours on a plane as a blessing to get work finished up.

{Deep breath}

But, right at this moment, right now, I’m listening to some sweet music in the background about singing to our King and loving the One whose been good always. I’m trying really hard to hear His voice and to remember that He’s already the Victor. All this, all this ugh, it all may be more than I can handle, that’s true. But, it’s not more than He can handle. I’m choosing to believe that He’s going ahead of us and about to do some very big stuff or else all this ugh wouldn’t be happening right now to begin with.

So, whatever, Ugh. I really don’t like you. And, you’re making me pretty irritated. But, I’m going to keep praying that God gives me my daily bread and provides just what I need so that I can serve Him best. And, I believe He’s going to do that because He’s the One who called this trip with all that’s involved in it into being. I may be writing the curriculum and designing PowerPoint slides, but I’m just a tool being used by Him. So, yup. I don’t like you one bit. But, as He gives me what I need to press on, I have a feeling I’m going to care less and less about you. Sorry. Deal with it.