“Go around and introduce your child and then say I love him or her because ____________.”

That was the ice breaker, and I had about 30 seconds until I was up.

This is David, and I love him because he’s really smart.

This is Emily, and I love her because she’s so kind and caring.

I’m up. And, I played along.

This is Drew, and I love him because he’s so silly and funny. And, this is Ashlyn, and I love her because she’s so helpful all the time. And, this is Lydia, and I love her because she is mine.

Isn’t that how I should have answered it for all of them?

I recognize my children need to be affirmed—probably because I recognize my own need to be affirmed. Words of affirmation are my love language.

But, what we were asked to do by filling in the blank had a fundamental flaw.

I don’t love Drew because he’s silly and funny. I don’t love Ashlyn because she’s helpful. I don’t love Evan because he’s sensitive and gentle. I don’t love Lydia because of how she lights up a room. I don’t.

I love them because they’re mine, and I’m called to love them. God has given them to me; and, in so doing, He has given me the very significant calling to love them. Sometimes my calling as a mother is easy, and love overflows. Other times aren’t as easy and I feel the internal resistance to continually pour myself out. Regardless, I’m still called to love—not because he’s gentle, not because she’s smart, not because he’s funny, not because she’s creative. It is really more about me than about them. I love; they are simply the receivers of that love.

If God humored us with joining our ice breaker, how would He fill in the blank?

This is Kelly, and I love her because she is mine.

If a million words of affirmation were spoken over me, 999,997 would be unneeded. She is mine. They’re the only 3 words I really need.

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. Titus 3:4-5a

Well, I’m sorry. You can’t keep playing wii. We’re going to our friend’s house as a family. You need to learn how to sacrifice what you want sometimes.

I know you want to buy that game, but you also need to buy some gifts yet. You’re going to have to sacrifice what you want so that you can buy the gifts you want to give.

I know you both want that toy. I see that clearly. Why don’t you make the decision this time to sacrifice a little and let her have it?

Sacrifice. The act of giving up something valuable to you whether it be time, treasure, or desire for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.

We all want our children to learn to sacrifice. But, I confess that I’ve made a mistake as I’ve led my children. I’ve focused too much on the act of giving up something valuable.

The truth is–true sacrifice is costly. That is what makes it a sacrifice after all. If giving something up costs us nothing, it isn’t a sacrifice by definition. When we give away a box of things to someone who can use them, if we didn’t like them, couldn’t wear them, and/or couldn’t sell them, it’s really not a sacrifice. Sacrifice hurts–sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. The cost is felt regardless.

But, true sacrifice also reaps a gain. Call it counterintuitive; but, it’s true. There is more to sacrifice than simply the pain. We don’t just sacrifice to play the martyr. We empty ourselves of time, treasure, or desire for the sake of something greater. Sacrifice is purposeful. Our sacrifices produce change. The hearts of others around us are changed, even when we don’t see it. And, our hearts are also changed in the process. And, changed hearts means changed lives. When we make hard choices of sacrifice, somehow God works in our hearts in such a way that pride and self-centeredness become less without us even knowing it, and our love for others grows. The something greater is softened hearts, healed relationships, and changed lives.

I’ve erred by focusing too much on their cost–give it up, let her have it, give in this time. But, the truth is, they are on the receiving end all the time of the sacrifice of others. I know that full well, and I want them to know that. Their gifts under the tree at our house and the trees at their aunts and uncles and grandparents’ houses–they are tangible reminders of sacrifice. The gifts may be just what they wanted or maybe not at all what they wanted. But, every scotch-taped together package with paper they get to rip, it has their name on it, written on a tag as an act of sacrifice–it costs someone something whether that cost seems great to us or not, and it reaps a gain. Every gift is a blessing, blessing them in one way or another and the gift giver when they show him or her their gratitude.

I know that’s not the view of the masses. Maybe people find it reminiscent of the I-brought-you-into-this-world.-I-can-take-you-out-of-it mentality. One person commented on one of my previous posts where I talked about my kids understanding sacrifice with this:

I don’t agree that children should be aware of their parents’ sacrifices for their Christmas presents. . . . No child should be made to feel guilty for their Christmas presents, and no parent should want them to feel that way.

This is not about feeling guilty. I want them to know that people have made the choice that blessing them is more important or worthy.

Isn’t that what advent is about? 

We’re reading The Jesus Storybook Bible for advent this year (here’s the plan we’re following). Early on, we read about Noah. We read all about sacrifice there.

The first thing Noah did was to thank God for rescuing them, just as he had promised. And the first thing God did was make another promise. ‘I won’t ever destroy the world again.’ And like a warrior who puts away his bow and arrow at the end of a great battle, God said, ‘See, I have hung up my bow in the clouds.’ And there, in the clouds–just where the storm meets the sun–was a beautiful bow made of light. It was a new beginning in God’s world. It wasn’t long before everything went wrong again but God wasn’t surprised, he knew this would happen. That’s why, before the beginning of time, he had another plan–a better plan. A plan not to destroy the world, but to rescue it–a plan to one day send his own Son, the Rescuer. God’s strong anger against hate and sadness and death would come down once more–but not on his people, or his world. No, God’s war bow was not pointing down at his people. It was pointing up, into the heart of Heaven.

It’s because of His sacrifice, His costly and purposeful sacrifice for us that we know we are loved and we are able to love others and make the choice to sacrifice.

Maybe I should make a few changes. They are subtle, but I think there’s a whole different message. And, maybe the result and the process to get there would look different.

I’m sorry. You can’t keep playing wii. We’re going to our friend’s house as a family. I know it’s hard to sacrifice what you want sometimes; I know that myself because it’s hard for me too. But, I promise you that it’s worth it. It may not feel like it when you feel upset now, but going to our friend’s house together now is more important than playing wii? Maybe later we can talk about why that is.

I know you want to buy that game, but you also need to buy some gifts yet. You may have to sacrifice what you want so that you can buy the gifts you want to give. That isn’t easy. I had to do that too this year. But, you know what? I don’t really miss that thing that I gave up in order to buy the gifts I bought for others. And, I can’t wait to give those gifts this year especially the ones that I put a lot of heart into.

I know you both want that toy. I see that clearly. Why don’t you make the decision this time to sacrifice and let her have it? It is hard to do that, but it shows her how much you love her. And, next time, she will be more willing to sacrifice for you. That’s what being a family is about, sacrificing for each other all the time.