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Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

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For Pastors on Mother’s Day…

5.6.14

for pastor's on mother's dayThis Sunday is Mother’s Day. I know you know that already. It’s been on your calendar all year.

Moms are going to fill your pews this Sunday wearing pretty dresses. Some will have been served breakfast in bed. Some will have received bouquets of flowers already that morning. Some will be looking forward to children coming home that day to take them out for lunch. Some will be anticipating phone calls, hugs, kisses, crayon drawings, and homemade cards.

But, Mother’s Day isn’t always that pretty.

There will be women sitting before you this Sunday who are aching to become mothers. Some of those women are struggling to make it day-by-day as they endure infertility treatment. Some of those women are single and long to be married and wonder if they will ever have the joy of being a mother.

There will be some women sitting before you this Sunday who are mothers but not parents, women who have placed children in other families to be raised by other mothers. They may not look or feel like mothers; they may struggle to define who they are.

There will be some women sitting before you this Sunday who were mothers for a short time and didn’t consider themselves that at all, women who ended their pregnancies and motherhood through an abortion and now wonder what life would have been like had they made another choice and chosen life for their child.

There will be some women sitting before you this Sunday who are broken mothers, mothers whose relationships with their children are strained at best, mothers who haven’t spoken to their grown children in months or even years, mothers whose children are in rehab or prison or who knows where.

There will be some mothers sitting before you this Sunday who are divorced from their children’s father and who are tired, so very tired, whose little ones may not even know it’s Mother’s Day at all.

There will be people sitting before you this Sunday who have lost their mothers and people who still have their mothers but have been hurt by them.

And, all those people? They’ve had Mother’s Day on their calendars all year too. But, they aren’t coming to church dressed in their prettiest clothes ready to stand to be recognized. Instead, they wonder if they should come at all. Some are ashamed. Some are resentful. Some are full of grief. Some are angry at the mothers around them, you for pointing them out, and God Himself. Some are simply sad and have already put tissues in their purses in anticipation of the day.

The ones coming to church in their best with smiles on their faces really don’t need to stand for recognition or be publicly thanked. They’ll get all that elsewhere. It’s the others who need you this Sunday. Speak for them.

To the women who are celebrating this Mother’s Day as mothers for the first time, know that we celebrate with you. 

To the women who serve day in and day out to little ones, cleaning noses and bottoms and sippy cups and car seats, know that we applaud you and support you.

To the women who work outside the home to provide for their families, know that we honor you for all that you carry.

To the women who have been celebrated by their families already today or will be later today, know that we take joy in that with you.

To the women who are not yet mothers and who long to be, whose hearts are heavy with that desire today, know that we walk with you through whatever God calls you to today and for days to come.

To the women who wonder what life would be like if they were mothering now the child who could have been theirs, know that we want to hold your hand and encourage you.

To the women who are separated relationally with painful distance between you and your children, know that we hurt with you and pray for reconciliation and trust for you that there is hope for just that.

To the women who are mothers here who haven’t had the recognition from their children and feel forgotten, know that we remember you.

To those who have been hurt by their mothers in some way, who find this day a painful reminder of that hurt, know that we acknowledge your pain and want to offer hope for restoration to you.

To those who are watching their mothers grow older and change or who are grieving the loss of their mothers, know that we grieve with you and pray for comfort for you.

It’s a big day—Mother’s Day. It’s your challenge…privilege…to communicate God’s love to everyone in your church this Sunday as is your call every Sunday. As you do that, HE will meet each one just where they are and speak the words they need to hear.

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Posted by Kelly the Overthinker
Filed Under: parenthood, words about faith

The post I want to read {Encore}

12.31.13

Originally posted in July, just seemed fitting to end 2013 with this one today. Bless you, moms like me out there, wherever you are.

________________

Having a little trouble sleeping tonight. It’s because I napped today. So, here I am in bed with my laptop in front of me as my husband is sound asleep beside me. Naps are worse than an afternoon coffee.

As I do the 2013 version of counting sheep (surfing blogs), I’m realizing that I’m subconsciously looking for a post tonight that simply does. not. exist. anywhere. And, for the life of me, I’m wondering why the heck not. I’m looking for a post…oh…somewhere along the lines of the-summer-disorganization-and-constantly-full-sink-is-giving-me-hives or I-really-wish-my-kids-would-sleep-in-longer-so-that-I-can-actually-taste-the-coffee-I-need-in-the-morning-rather-than-drink-it-like-it’s-a-shot-of-vodka or someone-please-remind-me-that-these-creatures-living-in-my-home-completely-dependent-on-me-are-a-blessing or yes-I-absolutely-did-give-my-children-free-license-on-wii-so-that-I-could-take-a-very-long-afternoon-nap. 

hiWhere are they? Instead, all I can find right now are posts about awesome looking recipes out of my budget or motivation to make, Pinteresting crafts that make me say “good for them,” and words that sound like they could be an autobiography from the Proverbs 31 woman (you know she would have been a blogger and had a massive Pinterest following had they been around in 900 B.C.).

Since all those Proverbs 31 women don’t seem to be writing with me in mind this week, I’ll write a few words for myself and the rest of us. They aren’t inspiring words really. And, this post won’t be one that is shared on facebook or tweeted out with the hashtag #mustread.

This mom stuff? It’s not easy. We may have some shining, proud Pinnable moments of fancy birthday cupcakes or clever road-trip games. But, the day after we share them, we’re just normal moms again with kids who never seem to  get enough of us and hearts and schedules divided into too many slices of our blogworthy pie. We have moments of yeah-that-was-a-good-teachable-moment mixed in with seemingly more moments of I’m-glad-no-one-was-with-me-to-witness-that-mom-fail. We ask ourselves, “Is this normal?” But, we’re smart, you know; we know exactly where to turn with our questions—our iPhones—which leads us to think, “Maybe I am the only one because Suzyblogger and JillTweeter are posting about selecting wool and flax and bringing their food from afar while our dinner tonight is likely going to be from a box in my freezer if I can even find one. Does that count as from afar?”

If you’re up late reading this tonight because you gave your kids a little too much screen time so that you could escape for a nap today like me, well done. We’re a little more sane tonight than we would have been had we made another cup of coffee and muscled through painting and stringing wooden beads.

And, while I can’t tell you you’re normal because there’s simply not enough data out there to warrant the use of the term, what I can tell is you’re not alone (clearly, since I’m still up writing this silly post as self-therapy to ease my own conscience).

Tomorrow’s a new day full of hope of a new beginning and less than 105-degree heat in our unairconditioned home. I’ll likely need a second cup of coffee to compensate for this late night which may make me want to grab another nap while some of you are teaching your 4 year olds to read or cook or design cathedrals. Whatever. I’m good if my four brush their teeth without me reminding them more than once and I don’t look at my husband with those eyes that say seriously?-can-you-take-this-issue-on-because-we-may-have-a-REAL-problem-if-I-have-to-handle-this-one.

Good night, moms like me…wherever you are.

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Posted by Kelly the Overthinker
Filed Under: parenthood

Overthinking foster care

10.30.13

Rewind 7 years.

We’re going to do foster care.

My sister and her husband shared the news. And, I shared my thoughts, which really were a number of reasons why foster care was not a good idea.

should I do foster careEloquent argument #1: It is a lot of work. There’s paperwork and training and meetings and appointments just to get permission to foster in the first place. After you have a child in your home, those meetings and appointments won’t end. Then, add in the normal care-for-a-child stuff inherent to caring for a child. That’s a lot of work for a child who isn’t your own. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just avoid it altogether?

And…

They have worked hard. A lot of training. A lot of meetings. A lot of teacher conferences and doctor appointments and social worker visits. It hasn’t been easy. But, you know what? It’s been worth it. They’ve been developed individually and as parents together. But, greater than that, they’ve experienced the blessing of getting to play a significant part in a child’s life and getting a front row seat to witnessing every child they’ve served grow and learn and experience healing in part or in whole. I admit that it’s been pretty amazing to watch from the sidelines.

Eloquent argument #2: You have to face hard stuff. If a kid needs a foster home, something has broken that should not have been broken. And, when you start foster parenting, you step into that brokenness. Simply acknowledging the messyness can be hard. But, when you step into that mess, you have to not only recognize that that mess exists, you get messy too. Hard stuff. Wouldn’t it be so much more comfortable to just avoid it altogether?

And…

They have faced hard stuff—a toddler found walking on the highway, a teenage girl given only a few clothes she could fit in a backpack and enough money for a one-way bus ride, and children having children. But, you know what? They can do hard stuff. They have been changed as they have come face to face with brokenness in their own neighborhood. They’ve gotten messy as those caring for children from hard places inevitably do, but they also know the God who is right there in the mess and, because of Him, they know how to wash the feet of the children in their home, bringing restoration into broken lives. And, that is what it’s all about.

Eloquent argument #3: Your heart may get broken. The goal of foster care is not adoption. While there are adoptions out of foster care, fostering isn’t designed as a way to grow a new family; family reunification is the goal. That means you are likely going to give and give to a child only to see him or her go to another family long term. Wouldn’t it be so much safer to just avoid it altogether?

And…

Their hearts have more texture than they had 7 years ago. Some newborns stayed for only a few days. Some children stayed for over a year. We’ve watched them open gifts on Christmas morning. We’ve clapped when they’ve blown out birthday candles. My mother made a teenage girl jump up and down with pure joy when she gave her a pair of big-girl footie pajamas after she said she had always wanted a pair and never had them as a little girl. They have braided hair, left quarters under pillows from the tooth fairy, helped with homework, read bedtime stories, and taught them how to pray. The family celebrated when the first child they fostered became their son. But, we’ve said goodbye to many more. All of our hearts have more texture today than they did before we knew these children. If you took an x-ray of my sister’s heart, you’d see a lot of cracks and craters of stories in there, stories of children they loved and served for a time. But, that heart is also bigger than it was before, capable of even more love than it was before they took that step to become foster parents and stand in the gap for the children who need it the most.

Somewhere along the way, my eloquent arguments seemed to lose steam and the reality of foster parenting became a bit more real to me. When Mark and I spoke last month to a group of foster parents about connecting with the children in their care, it became even more real to me. My textured heart was stirred.

Foster care. It’s all about life. Life giving all around. Life changing all around. For children. For those ordinary heroes we call “foster parents.” It’s not easy or comfortable or safe. But, the best things in life simply aren’t.

No related posts.

Posted by Kelly the Overthinker
Filed Under: adoption, parenthood

We had a conversation today

8.8.13

I’ve overthought adoption disruption (and shared it here). While I stand by my words and the thoughts and theology behind them, tonight, I’m rereading them…maybe a couple times over. And, I need to be reminded of God’s sovereignty as I read. Because disruption sucks. And, every sentence I find myself typing and then deleting after that one sentence seems futile. That’s pretty much the gist of it. It sucks.

We had already planned to hit a local diner for french toast breakfast specials before going to the $1 family movie today. I sipped on my strong coffee, sandwiched on a red pleather seat between my boys, watching my girls color together as we waited for our specials to arrive. When you add coffee and a captive audience together with a mama’s burdened heart over news too hard to fully reconcile, you better ready yourself for a conversation.

I told them about the disruption. They knew too much to not be told. Lydia kept coloring but nodded in agreement when her sister responded about how it was sad. With childhood naiveté, Evan suggested that maybe the child should’ve behaved better.

That’s when this burdened mama’s heart became something else entirely. There was something my child had to hear.

You need to know something. Your obedience to us, your behavior, has no effect on how much we love you. You got that? We love you no matter what. Good behavior doesn’t make us “love you more.” We get the fact that obedience doesn’t come naturally to you; it doesn’t come naturally to anyone. We have to learn to obey as we love God and He works in us. And, our job as parents is to help you learn to obey. That’s what we’re about.

Our family? We’re called to do 3 things—LOVE GOD, LOVE EACH OTHER, and LOVE THOSE HE PUTS BEFORE US. If God puts someone before us; we’re going to love them. That’s our job. We aren’t looking to adopt again. But, if that job means He wants us to adopt again, we will do that. If that simply means we love the people we see everyday, we will do that. And, we’re going to love no matter what people are like and how they behave, because that’s what God wants us to do as a family. We have to be the ones to help them learn how to obey and do the right thing, not in a mean, bossy way but in a way that shows them how their lives can change. We as a family have the power to do that, and that’s what we’re about. Okay?

All the while, cheap waxy crayons colored ocean scenes until they snapped in half as they always do, and bottoms bounced on springy pleather seats. Moments later, we ate french toast dipped in ungodly amounts of syrup, finished my coffee, and drove off to the movie theater to see a movie we had barely previewed which happened to be about loving those different from you for who they are on the inside.

My heart’s still heavy as I revel in the quiet of my house tonight. Broken hearts, broken dreams, broken lives abound. And, it sucks. The reminder of that can slap you in the face and sting for a good while. He’s sovereign; somehow, He’s sovereign. I have to cling to that instead of all the “ifs” I could keep playing over in my head. Until He comes again or we meet Him face to face, we will love him, love each other, and love those He puts before us—in their brokenness, right where they are.

Water fight collage with words

No related posts.

Posted by Kelly the Overthinker
Filed Under: adoption, parenthood

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