When we had been home about a week, a woman at church asked me, “So, what did it feel like?” I didn’t quite get her question. “What do you mean? What did what feel like?” “What did it feel like when you saw her?” What did it feel like? I gave her a short answer, as we were standing in the lobby with people bustling around us. Amazing. Overwhelming. But, this question deserves more of an explanation than that. So, I’m taking the chance to document it here. Maybe it will inform some people, encourage some people, I don’t know; mainly, it will just help me to remember.

What did it feel like? I just watched the video again of when we saw Lydia in person for the first time. I can remember it so clearly even without the video. My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt like someone could actually hear it beating if the honking on the street 6 floors below us would stop for a few seconds. Mark and I had gone from the airport to our hotel and had about 30 minutes to put our bags down, freshen up a bit, and prepare our room for a baby. The empty crib was there, a visual reminder (as if I needed one) that our child would be here momentarily. Mark and I sat on the bed and prayed before we had to go downstairs to meet our guide and go to the civil affairs office. I started to cry as soon as we sat down. He had to pray; I couldn’t get any words out.

We walked to the office, right across the street really—well, that’s relative because there were about 6 lanes of traffic going every which way. But, we just kept going, sticking close to our guide.

Up to the 6th floor we went, the door to the office appeared locked and the office dark. Our guide made a phone call to the orphanage, and we checked another floor. Were we in the right place? Yes, yes. She sent us in. The office was basic, no frills at all. We sat down on a couch and waited. We only waited a few moments when our guide told us, “Here she comes.” Mark turned the video camera on, and in came the assistant director of the orphanage, a boy of about 4 (not sure who he belonged with. I think he was the assistant director’s son), and the head nanny who was holding the most beautiful little puffy bundle of a baby. If you listen closely to the video, you can hear me gasping for breath. My hands were covering my mouth, and I was trying not to fall apart. For a few seconds (it seemed so much longer when we were there), the nanny held Lydia speaking to her in Chinese and showing her to us from about 10 feet away. Mark and I just sat, trying to hold ourselves together and not knowing what to do next. Thankfully, our guide didn’t wait too long before she said, “Kelly, you can try and hold her.” So, I approached her slowly and reached my arms out to her. It was amazing. It was overwhelming.

We had been anticipating, expecting this child for 3 years, talking about her, dreaming about her, preparing for her long before we knew who she was. Then, once we were matched, we had only a handful of pictures of her that we “bonded” to for a little over 2 months before we traveled. Then, there we were, and there she was, live and in person. She was smaller than I had imagined. In fact, the first thing I said after several “hi”s in a baby voice to her was, “She’s so little” to Mark. It was a very unique feeling, one I cannot fully describe, to first see the child you have committed to loving forever. Were we “bonded” right away? Did it feel like a biological labor and delivery? It was different. It was unique. I was overwhelmed with emotion and pretty nervous too. I knew I loved her—but it wasn’t because I was in love with her. I didn’t even know her except for the very two-dimensional information we had received with her file like “fond of listening to music,” “She loves caretakers holding her to go outside to play,” “She is happy when someone play with her. If not, she would feel a little sad.” But, I had made the choice to love her. I felt like saying to her, “I love you dearly, not because of anything you have done but because God has called me to, and I have chosen to. And, I cannot wait to learn about you and get to know you and fall in love with everything about you.” That commitment was a little bit scary—could I make that commitment? I feared not connecting with her and her not connecting with us. I feared that she might not feel like my own child and that she wouldn’t feel like we were her mama and daddy. But, we knew that the One who called us to this in the first place would not fail to equip us for the task. We prayed that He’d equip our daughter as well. So, we just pressed forward; anything less would have been disobedience to His calling. The first few days were interesting as we all tried to figure each other out. Everything was new for all of us. I cannot say that I loved her more as I got to know her—there’s no more when you already love with your whole heart. But, the love became less of an obvious choice and more personalized—more adoration focused and less simply commitment focused.

Having been with Lydia for 8 weeks now, we are still learning about each other. In a way, she still seems to be discovering herself; for that matter, I guess I am too in a way. With our biological children, as we studied them, learned the little quirks that make them who they are, our love for them has matured. The same is true with our love for Lydia. God knows everything about her already; she is His child. And, as we get to see more and more of who she is, my love for her is maturing. What a privilege it is to call myself her mother.

Finally, the movie of our journey to receive Lydia.

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