My Overthinking

Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

November 1: I love you day

13 years ago, we met at a McDonalds.
He gave me a single rose.
And, he told me he loved me.

Every year since, we’ve remembered the day. We don’t celebrate it like our wedding anniversary. But, we remember it. And, every year, part of remembering it has meant a trip to McDonalds.

Funny how we made the most unromantic spot in the world one of the most romantic places in our history.

Last night was just a little different. We went out to dinner to a local pub. I couldn’t bear the thought of dinner at McDonalds (much to our 4 children’s chagrin).

But, there’s no way we would break this tradition. So, we went to McDonalds for dessert. Even though we have 10 lbs. of candy at home, we let the kids get ice cream. And, we sat and smiled as we remembered.

But, now, we’ve got 4 kids with us too (note our little Lydia as Ashlyn took our picture). So, we also spent some time talking about silly stuff and giving belly blasters.

I am so thankful that he loved me then and has loved me everyday since.

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Sunday Snapshot {Learning}

Last night, after the kids were in bed, I spent hours on the computer jumping from etsy to different sites, here and there. I was feeling a need to create. I had a sudden and irresistible urge to make something.

I found this to make out of an old button-down shirt.

and this adorable little lace overlay skirt. So simple to make and super cute for the girls.
And this to snaz up an old tee
and this I thought Ashlyn would like to look sort of “fairyish”

After hours of surfing, then I was in the basement digging through boxes to see if I had any old lace I could use. Then, I was in the attic digging through some old material to see if I could find anything exciting.

You know why?

Because I can’t keep still.

Here I am with 4 kids with still not much above a whisper for a voice. It will be 2 weeks on Tuesday since I could speak normally. God is reminding me of His voice in the silence through Ashlyn’s devotional (God and Me! Devotions for Girls Ages 6-9 – for those of you who have emailed me asking for the title. It’s really really good. I strongly recommend it). I said I was listening to Him that day. But, I didn’t. I just kept on doing–after all, there were dishes to clean, laundry to fold, emails to write, editing to do, articles for We Are Grafted In to post, books to read, Bible Study homework to do. I thought I could listen while I did all that stuff; but, I didn’t. So, then He shows me a little more clearly since I didn’t seem to get it the first time. My Bible Study homework was about being silent before God (Connecting with God: A Spiritual Formation Guide (Renovare Spiritual Formation Guides) – way different than anything I’ve done before, really out of the box. It’s been interesting to do though. I’m enjoying the challenge it gives me). The exercise for the week was to spend 10 minutes a day still before God.

So, have I been practicing that which I’ve been writing about?

No.

Apparently, I need practice in order to practice stillness.

And, I need God’s grace.

I feel such a need to do. I can barely sit still with the kids to just talk or play without 100 other things going through my head. I have to be productive. I have to do something.

But, see, I guess that’s what God is teaching me. Being still before Him and doing nothing are two very different things. It’s okay to “waste” time by simply being with Him–not reading, not doing my Bible Study homework, not getting something off my to-do list checked off.

I love all those cute things I found to make. And, I’m totally willing to take any unwanted solid tees or extra lace or old button-down shirts off your hands. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to create. And, I think it will be time well spent with Ashlyn to make some of that stuff with her and for her.

But, next time I feel the Spirit’s urging to leave the computer alone or put the books down or leave the toys out and, instead, go be, I really should listen. Because my need for accomplishment and a sense of resolution is not greater than my need for God. And, what good is a perfectly clean house with all my to-do items checked off if I have no closeness with the One who gave me all those things.

I’m learning. It’s slow, and it’s not easy. And, it’s humbling. And, maybe I’m so hard headed that it is going to take weeks of being unable to speak in order to really hear.

Ni Hao Y'all

Check this link out to see how other bloggers are spending their Sundays.

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I am not even kidding


And, this is what I opened up my Bible Study book to today. 
Really. Not even kidding.
The whole chapter is about learning how to be silent before God. The exercise is to spend 10 minutes a day in silence, doing nothing, thinking about nothing, just listening. They suggest then carrying that over into your daily life so that so “say only what is needed in conversation” and “continually monitor how you feel about ‘wasting’ time for God and refraining from talking.” It talks about the significance of silence and how we are in a culture that values noise over silence.
I liked this particular paragraph from Thomas Merton from The Climate of Monastic Prayer:

“The true contemplative is not one who prepares his mind for a particular message that he wants or expects to hear, but is one who remains empty because he knows that he can never expect to anticipate the words that will transform his darkness into light. He does not even anticipate a special kind of transformation. He does not demand light instead of darkness. He waits on the Word of God in silence, and, when he is ‘answered,’ it is not so much by a word that bursts into his silence. It is by his silence itself, suddenly, inexplicably revealing itself to him as a word of great power, full of the voice of God.”
May I stay still in my silence to hear that voice. It’s so hard for me to do that–stillness. I’ve got the silence part–though not by choice. But, the stillness part….very very hard for me. There just always seems to be the tyranny of the urgent, something always needing my attention, my thoughts, my effort. Clearly though, the Lord is desiring to speak to me. My voice is quiet. Now, I must quiet my heart, quiet my spirit so that I can hear Him.

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My Vocal Reality vs. Expectations

Before my vocal cord surgery, my surgeon told me that I’d be sore for a few days, I’d have strict vocal rest for 3 days, and that I’d be hoarse for 4-6 weeks. So, my expectations were sore for a few days, silent for 3 days, and scratchy hoarseness for a month or so. Turns out, “hoarse for 4-6 weeks” really meant “unable to speak above a whisper while your huge vocal cords settle down and your body reabsorbs some of the excess fat injected into them which will take 4-6 weeks.” I still needed the surgery, but it would have been nice to have this spelled out a little more clearly! So, here I am, unable to speak above a whisper. With 4 kids. Fully able to speak above a whisper. Actually, I think it may be physically impossible for Ashlyn to whisper at all. The girl pretty much has one volume setting–loud. And, the other 3 are hardly quiet.

Mark goes back to work tomorrow. God bless him. He probably can’t wait to get out of here since he’s been Mr. Everything and has to put up with me snapping and clapping at him.

In a moment of “oh-no-I-can’t-do-this,” we asked Mark’s mom to come help us out again. So thankful that she lives relatively close and is willing to drop what she’s doing to come play chess, make lunches, catch Lydia 100x on the slide, read books, etc., etc. She’s even bringing us dinner. (imagine sigh of relief here if I could produce such a noise)

One more day of help then I’m on my own. Praying God supernaturally quiets my children and loudens me. We’ve got some challenging days ahead of us.

One more day of the giveaway. Wednesday, when the kids are going crazy, and I’m ready to throw in the towel on parenting, I’ll lock myself in the bedroom and make sure to draw one of you as a lucky winner.

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