Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption
Mommy?
Yes?
Am I going to speak Chinese when I grow up?
What do you speak now?
…English?
Right. So, you can only speak Chinese when you grow up if you learn it. What do you want to speak when you grow up?
Chinese.
Just Chinese? I’d love for you to speak Chinese, but I only know English and I sure would love to talk with you when you grow up.
Chinese and English.
Perfect.
14 years after adding the two letters M.A. to my name.
13 1/2 years after adding two more letters to my name (another -ma as we grew our family).
He’s not just added to my plate; He’s made my plate a little larger and is showing us that He is going to use us more fully as we give ourselves to Him more fully.
Here I am, Lord.
By your grace alone.
When I asked you how things were going, you started to cry. Through your tears, you told me how great your new son’s eye contact is, how he likes to be held, how he lets you know what he wants. You told me how everything is really so good, so much better than you were prepared for. But, you were still crying when you said that.
I imagine you were your social worker’s dream family. You dotted all your Is and crossed all your Ts. Not only was every form filled out completely and perfectly, but you didn’t fuss about any of the training required. You were your agency’s star student, soaking up every minute of every training with paper and pen in hand, taking notes lest you forget something. Every recommended book is now part of your library with broken bindings and yellow highlights throughout. You can channel your inner Dan Siegel and Karyn Purvis and explain the attachment cycle and define time-ins to any captive audience. You’re it—the well-prepared, ready-to-go adoptive mom equipped with a full holster of every attachment-building tool there is.
And, then you adopted your son.
You remind me a little of that friend we all have, the one who went to Lamaze classes or the like and somehow heard the message—or simply chose to hear it—that if you learn all the breathing tricks and positions that labor and delivery would be relatively painless, that somehow her own learned skills and oxygen-inhaling prowess would trump the reality of biology.
Yeah…it doesn’t that work that way.
Here’s what just happened. You and your husband, quite comfortable and relatively confident in your parenthood experience to the one biological child you already had, grew your family again. That’s always hard. And, since you did that through this incredible adventure of adoption, you multiplied that hard exponentially. While it’s normal for a mom to feel overwhelmed and tired and totally consumed by her new child who needs her all the time, you feel all that and your new child is not a sleepy infant and your child doesn’t understand English and you are scared to death that all the anxiety and growing sense of oxygen-inhaling failure on your part is going to break down whatever foundations of attachment have been built and that your adoption fund is going to be replaced by a therapy fund to pay for all the additional trauma you are going to bring into your child’s life.
{take a deep breath right about….now}
A look back at when we were just starting
All those rules and tools you’ve studied and prepped for—the babywearing, the cosleeping, the skin-to-skin contact, the commitment to be the only one to meet his every need, the keeping him within several feet at all times, the cocooning, the intentional regression—they are not the end all; rather, they are the means to an end with that end being relationship. That’s the most important thing. If those good rules and tools are so binding to you right now that they are actually hindering relationship, you have the permission to step away from the books and the blogs and the webinars and experience freedom as the mother God’s called you to be to your son. It’s not forever, but for now, find what it is that you need whether that is grocery store runs sans anyone under 3 feet tall, a break to go have coffee with a friend one afternoon, going back to your weekly women’s group with a sitter in your friend’s basement, or something else entirely different. Find what it is that you need so that you can get on track with building a relationship with your son rather than falling into a pattern of going through the motions that you think you need to do but growing seeds in you of fear, questions, and resentment—all of which are enemies to relationship.
Friend, this is hard, yes. But, you can do hard; you were made for hard. You are exactly what your son and your daughter need right now—in your frailty, in your weakness, in your tears.
I overthink everything. I can use other more complimentary verbiage—like intentional and deliberate. They’re nice words. But, the truth of the matter is, I do a lot of overthinking. Yes, it can keep me up at night sometimes, but it can also be helpful for those of you who could use some overthinking in your life. Yeah…that makes me feel better.
I’m often asked which adoption agencies I recommend for families who want to begin the adoption process to be matched with a waiting child. While there are a few that I favor over others, it’s entirely more helpful to coach families along in finding out which agencies they’d like, which fit their own family and their unique needs. Every agency is a bit different in their culture and vision; your job as a potential adoptive parent is to discern which best fits your own family culture and vision.
First, make a pot of coffee. You’re going to need it, maybe even more than the notebook and pen you also need. Sit down in front of your computer and start searching. Look at the blogs of families who have recently adopted from China (look at No Hands But Ours to start or put “China adoption blog” into your search engine). Ask the bloggers which agencies they used. Join Facebook groups focused on adoptions from China (just search “China adoption” where you’d search for a friend’s name). Connect with people there, and ask which agencies they used. Start to make a list of agencies that may be of interest to you, just agencies of interest. Don’t form any judgments. Don’t make any decisions. Just make a running list of agencies with whom to connect.
Once you feel like that list is pretty complete, click around some more. Check out their websites. Get a feel for how they market their agency, what their catch phrases are, what seems to set them apart. In that notebook you have, write the name of each agency on the top of it’s own clean page, and start filling those pages with notes and specific questions as you go. If they are on social media, check them out there too. Get a feel for the level of engagement families have there. Look to see how they advocate for waiting children, if you like how they present children without families to the public. While these things don’t tell you everything, they can tell you a lot about what agencies are about. Trust your instincts as you go; if you see stuff that makes you feel like you couldn’t work for them, then you shouldn’t contract with them to grow your family. Narrow down your list to those agencies that you feel like may have a parallel vision with you.
While the online world can tell you a lot, it doesn’t tell you everything. You’re going to actually need to talk to real people, real time. So, set aside a chunk of time when you can find some quiet, and bring your well-charged phone (and maybe more coffee). As you call each agency, have those notes you’ve already written in front of you, and use the following as a guide as you keep taking notes.
When your calls have been made, your pages filled, and your pot of coffee empty, take a deep breath. It’s a big decision worthy of overthinking. But, don’t let it cripple you. If you are convinced that you are called to grow your family through adoption, take those notes, talk with your family about the options, pick one that jives with you, and go for it. There’s a child waiting for you.
