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My Overthinking

Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

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China Bans "Orphan" Names

2.9.12

Rich in meaning. Rich in visual art form.

Chinese names intrigue me.

I’ve heard some beautiful ones that bring a tear to my eye. And, some very unbeautiful ones that bring a tear to my eye.

Orphans named for their special need–a name that means “blue mouth” for a child suffering from cyanosis due to a heart defect or “missing arm.” Or, perhaps worse, orphans named by some institution staff member for their orphan status alone–for example, a name that means “found with a note.”

As if living in an orphanage is not enough of a reminder of the loss, the child forever carries the stigma of being without a family through his or her name. In a culture where names can define you, they are forever defined as unwanted.

A 32 year-old Chinese woman born missing her hand was abandoned at a few days old in Datong City in Shanxi. She was given the name Dang Ye, meaning she was a ward of the state, cared for by the Party. Later adopted by a Chinese family, they added their surname but kept the name the orphanage gave her.

Even now, as a successful university lecturer, she regrets the name she carries and the story, her story, which is revealed through it.

A lot of people could not help digging up my past when they saw my name for the first time, and then they expressed sorrow or contempt, which made me really upset. 

According to China Daily, China’s Ministry of Social Affairs is working so that this doesn’t happen anymore. By the end of this year, they aren’t going to allow political names indicating that the child is in the care of the Party. They aren’t going to allow names that tell the story of the child’s abandonment. And, I’m hoping they too won’t allow names describing a child’s special need.

Because the children in China without families are not defined by their losses. They are more than their losses. They are perfectly created, known by their maker, and not without hope. And, while most have to carry a name given by an orphanage worker rather than the man and woman who held them when they took their first breath, at least they will no longer have to carry a name that brings shame and forever labels them as rejected.

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Posted by Kelly the Overthinker
Filed Under: adoption, China

Why I Do It

2.6.12

Every Sunday, after church, we eat a quick lunch and out we go. I leave loads of laundry to be folded, dirty dishes in the sink, and a husband I’d love to sit and talk to on a lazy Sunday afternoon. And, I take Ashlyn to Chinese school at MLCCC.

I sit behind her for 2 hours and listen to words I do not understand and then walk her down the hall to watch for another hour as she giggles along with 8 dark-haired beauties her age as they learn fan dancing and other Chinese traditional dances.

So, why do I do it week in and week out?

She wanted to.

We waited to bring our daughter home for a long time (3 years to be exact). During that time, Ashlyn fell in love with all things Chinese. Soon after we were home with her new sister, Ashlyn (age 6 at the time), asked me if she could learn Chinese.

Know what I said?

“I don’t think so.” (I know, mother of the year) I knew it would be hard. I thought it would be expensive. I knew it would mean a big commitment–frankly, a commitment for me that I didn’t want to make.

But, she didn’t let up.

“You know, you might be the only one there who isn’t Chinese.”

Didn’t matter. She wanted to do it. So, eventually, I caved. And, our Sundays changed.

And, in so doing, I found that this was where we were supposed to be. For Ashlyn. For our family.

 

When we walk through those doors every Sunday afternoon, we are reminded of a new community we now live in, one that looks different from us and speaks different from us, but one that has welcomed us in.

And, I’ve learned that as much as our Chinese daughter is now American, we’ve also all become just a little bit Chinese. And, I’m loving my Chinese-ness.


Now, I’m one of those adoptive parents who is signing her child up early for language classes. Lydia will be 3 this March. And, as soon as her afternoon nap schedule is done (no need to haste the day!), she’ll be a part of the preschool program there. Maybe she’ll learn a few words, phrases, and a song or two. But, more importantly, she’ll know too that she’s a part of this community. And, I know that her knowing that and building relationships here is way more significant for her cultural identity formation than all the festivals we could attend (like the one pictured here at Villanova University this past week), a dragon cake every year, and a library of wonderful children’s books (want proof?).

Laundry and dishes can wait. Sunday afternoons are for community.

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Posted by Kelly the Overthinker
Filed Under: adoption, China

Adoption Links Worth Lingering On

2.1.12

Just in case you are looking for some interesting new links…consider this my version of StumbledUpon just for you…

Grab a kleenex box and sit down for 2 minutes to watch Danielle’s Story – a video from Show Hope featuring a girl who was adopted right before aging out of system that will move you.

And, since you already have your kleenex in hand, come on over to hear words from Xiaoyun, another precious girl who was adopted days before aging out of the system. She speaks unscripted about orphans and what we can do. If you don’t find yourself smiling with her and tearing up, check your pulse.

This one got my blood pumping – a news article about a 3 year old Chinese boy who is HIV+ and lives in isolation. The hardest words perhaps to read? “‘He is still immature and juvenile, and hasn’t realized that there is something different between him and other children. He thinks all children grow up the same way as him,’ said one nurse.” Praying that the American family in Xi’an who has come forward asking to foster him is allowed to do that.

After discussing adoption with a Chinese friend whose younger sister, who was adopted as an infant and is now 17, has no idea she was adopted, I found this article from November reminding me that it wasn’t that long ago that adoption was not something celebrated in the U.S. either.

This story was interesting – two girls both adopted from Indonesia learn as adults that they are twins. Now, they are talking about going back to Indonesia to search for birthparents–and the taxi driver who gave their parents the tip that there were two little girls to begin with.

One more…

As I was pausing to recognize significant days in our adoption story, I found this article on why one family never celebrates Gotcha Day or even uses those words in their home. Definitely worth the read and will get you thinking on how to celebrate it, recognize it, or do none of the above.

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Posted by Kelly the Overthinker
Filed Under: adoption

Pausing to Remember

1.21.12

8:29pm

2 years ago

When we learned God had answered our prayers

Two nights before, at 10pm, Sarah called. She had a file for us to see, and she couldn’t wait until the morning to call us.

We saw this sweet face. I wanted her to be ours. But, as we started to look at the file, we quickly noticed that her weight, length, and head circumference measurements were not good. In fact, what we had in front of us were numbers that could not sustain life.

But, God can.

The 47 hours after we got that first call were crazy. I don’t know if I will ever be able to delete my “sent” folder because of the story all those messages between January 18th and January 20th, 2010 tell. Messages with “cute as a button–but teeny” and “a little peanut” and “sweet 10-mo. old girl” – so funny to read those words now and know that I was talking about our daughter.

Messages to Mom and Dad – “I thought I’d be able to sleep! Now, I’m a bit frantic….I’ve got a little face to look at!”

By the 19th, those messages were filled more with words like “concerned,” and, “I feel a wreck,” and “I wish I could fly to China right now and see her myself,” and “We are exhausted and emotionally spent. I do not want to give up hope on this baby, but it is looking bleak,” and “we are trying to hold onto hope that a miracle has happened in her body.”

We knew we needed an update, the one Sarah requested before we had even asked her to, the one we knew we wouldn’t have before a decision would have to be made. It could take a week or even two to get an update. We had 48 hours–now less than 24.

I sent Mark an email on the morning of the 20th. We were talking constantly. I don’t know how he got any work done over those days. But, I wanted to write, needed to write.

I think it would be wrong to not submit the LOI and let this girl go…I feel strongly that we need to trust God that He could do a miracle here if it’s in His plan to do so. I do not feel like we can say no to Mei without having the full information. I feel like it would be a deliberate act of disobedience and lack of faith at this point. I understand that God may not choose to answer our prayers with a yes and that her growth may still be poor. But, I need to act in faith here.

…
41, 7, 62 —

And, I prayed, like I’ve never prayed before. Like I imagine Hannah prayed. I said those numbers over and over again, the measurements I had been led to cling to, measurements that would show she was okay, would be okay…something. I held that paper where I wrote those numbers, and I begged.

And, we prayed for an update soon. The idea of moving forward but not knowing if this was happening or not was overwhelming.

But, we moved forward. We had to.

8:29

Sarah called.

And, she had an update. With pictures. And numbers.

And, she was obviously smiling as she spoke.

And, we knew it was good.

And, then we saw these while Sarah stayed on the line.

I prayed for 41, 7, 62
She was 43, 7.2, 65
And, we laughed, cried, danced.
And, we met our girl. She was real. And, she was ours.
2 years ago tonight
Chen Mei Yue. Lydia Mei.

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Posted by Kelly the Overthinker
Filed Under: adoption, Lydia

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