My Overthinking

Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

Adoptee Links to Linger On

Because adoptive parents need to take time to listen to the voices of another community of folks too…

 

Don’t We Look Alike – a collaborative blog written by adoptees and adoptive mothers

The Adopted Ones blog – Challenging reads from two anonymous adoptees

Declassified Adoptee – Amanda, very popular adoptee activist and blogger, blogs here.

Bitter Angry Ajumma – Jane’s an adult adoptee originally from Korea whose birth mother actually found her. She’s a published writer and now lives in Korea.

China’s Children International blog named Two World’s, One Story…What’s Yours? – Good resource for young adoptees

Neither Here Nor There – “Peach” blogs here and shares her thoughts about being adopted and adoption in general and her experience knowing her first family for 20 years.

Harlow’s Monkey – Popular blog by JaeRan Kim, adopted at the age of 3 from Korea. Published author and professional who has worked in the adoption world, this one is definitely worth reading.

Love is Not a Pie – from an adoptee who is now a biological and adoptive mother herself.

Diary of a Not-so-Angry Asian Adoptee – If the title isn’t enough to make you want to visit her site, you should. She’s a really good writer.

My Mind on Paper – words from African American Kevin Hofmann who was transracially adopted, growing up in a caucasian family

Adoptionechoes – blog by an adult adoptee from Korea who is a therapist now specializing in adoption related issues

One Voice Giving Voice – blog from Carissa Woodwyk, an adult adoptee from Korea and now a sweet friend of mine. She’s a gifted writer and speaker and brings a unique piece to the adoption conversation.

Designed With Purpose – blog from my friend Sharee Morris, adopted domestically as an infant, survivor of severe postpartum depression after the birth of her first baby and now an adoptive mom to a baby they adopted domestically. She shares honestly and vulnerably about their experience on her blog.

The Faithfull Adoptee – Miriam Christina’s blog – adult adoptee born in Canada and reunited with birth family, teenage “mum,” stepmom, and now in the midst of infertility treatments. Encouraging and honest blog.

Memoirs of an Adopted Teen – Colin, adopted from China right before aging out at 14, blogs here about his experience (in English AND Chinese). Every Chinese adoptive parent should be reading this blog to learn and encourage this guy at the same time.

Transracial Eyes – Collaborative blog from adoptees for adoptees led by Daniel Zayd. I’m a committed reader even though most entries are hard for me to read as an adoptive parent.

Spiritual Breathing – Blog of Amy, adult adoptee who has reunited with her birth mom. She isn’t so much an “adoption” blogger but blogs about her life and faith and is worth visiting.

The Cork Board – Korean adult adoptee now adoptive mom of children from Korea and Ethiopia. She blogs about faith and trust-based parenting.

 

No related posts.

Birth at 15 {Guest Post}

March is full of significant days around here. Not only are 3 out of my 4 children’s birthdays in March, but March holds a lot of significant days for our Lydia which means that we spend a lot of time thinking about our family we don’t know, her birth family in China.

 

Becky, the woman guest posting here today, didn’t give birth to a child in China; she gave birth to a son right here. But, her account of what that day was like is one I think adoptive parents and adopted persons should know. Read on.

 

_____________________________________________

 

I was ready to go to the hospital now. I had been having contractions five minutes apart for about 24 hours. I had taken a shower, done my hair, and my make-up. You would think by looking at me I was ready for a night out with friends. Instead I had got myself all done up to give birth. I felt that I needed to look just right. I held mom off. I told her to not take me just yet until my hair and make-up was done and legs shaved. I don’t know what I was preparing for but I wanted to look my best. When we got to the hospital, they hooked me up to two machines, one monitored the contractions and the other monitored the baby’s heartbeat. I took off my best clothes and got into a hospital gown. The doctor came in and checked on me. I was only dilated to two. Plenty of time, he said, to give birth. It would be a while yet. The contractions continued every 5 minutes. Just enough to take my breath away but not enough to stop talking through them. You see…I did not want to give birth. If I did then I knew that my baby would soon be parted from me and I did not want that. He had been my constant companion for 9 months. I did not want to be parted from him because that meant he would be parted from me forever.

 

The next morning, the doctor came in and said I was still at a two so they were going to start hard labor by starting a potassium drip to start contractions hard. Boy, did that work. Soon, I was screaming in pain as the contraction monitor showed contractions that would go up into a peak but never really come down. I was having contractions every minute with no space in between. The doctor came in with bad news. I was still only dilated to two. He decided to break my water. He told me this would increase everything and that the baby had to be born within 24 hours. They broke my water, and I felt a huge relief. The contractions stopped. But, then the doctor told me the water looked funny. The baby was under stress and had a stool in the liquid. I watched the heartbeat monitor go down. Something was wrong. The baby was fighting hard to be born, but my body wasn’t letting him. They were worried. I, on the other hand, felt relief because the labor had stopped.

 

The doctor came in again and said they had to do an emergency C-section. They shaved my tummy and hooked me up to more monitors and I was wheeled into an operating room. I could not feel anything from my neck down except for tugging. They were cutting my abdomen open to pull him out. I had a screen placed in front of my face so I could not see what they were doing. I just felt lots of tugging and pulling. Suddenly, I heard a baby cry. A doctor laughed and said, “He just peed all over me.” Honestly, my first thought was… just take him away… I can’t stand to see him, and I can’t do this. Then, I looked over at a side table. He was there wriggling violently and crying. They were washing him off, and I suddenly wanted to hold him, comfort him, and help him stop crying.

 

They placed him in my arms against my chest. He had very little soft blond hair and blue eyes and was crying a lot. I just stared at this creature they had just removed from my body. They took me to a recovery room. The baby was still crying, so I asked for a bottle. The nurse laughed and said, “he isn’t crying because he is hungry; he is just not used to being out in the open.” His screams assured me he was hungry, so I asked again for a bottle. The nurse finally said she would give me one but not to expect he would drink very much. Instead, he downed almost the whole bottle and was silent after that. “I guess he was hungry” was all the nurse said. They took him away to do some measurements and clean him up some more. I was given some pain medication and taken back to my room where upon I discovered the lawyers were waiting.

 

I signed the papers giving him up.

 

I was tired and just thought I was supposed to sign them. After this, I crawled into bed and fell asleep for a while….

 

_____________________________________________

Becky and her birth son Carl

Becky and her birth son Carl

Becky Aske is a wife, mother, stepmother and birth mother. She currently serves as Vice-President of the nonprofit organization named Beauty Amidst the Ashes which is committed to educating people about the adoption option. Her birth son Carl is President and founder of the organization. At the age of 15, Rebecca chose to place her newborn son with a family in Iowa rather than parent. Her story of being a birth mother, along with stories from her now grown son and his parents can be found on her Facebook page. She has a BA in Ministry Leadership, an AA in Biblical Studies and a Child Development Associate Degree. She lives in Washington State with her husband, 18-year-old daughter, two step sons, a dog, and cat.

No related posts.

Overthinking abandonment, broken stories, and peace

A desperate mother made a desperate choice.

She left her baby.

Two people—a woman and child, among a large crowd, no doubt—got on the train at Jiujiang Station in Jiangxi Province. And, at some point between there and Beijing, only one of them got off, leaving a toddler alone, chugging away on a train. Perhaps she waited until he was asleep and then slowly pulled him from her body as all mothers do when their babies are asleep on them and they need to get up. Perhaps she shushed him gently as all mothers do to make sure he stayed asleep as she slipped out from under him.

But, unlike all mothers, this one didn’t come back. I wonder if he woke up and saw her leave. I wonder if he cried. I wonder who heard him. He wasn’t found until employees were checking the train at the last stop. I wonder who walked past him and didn’t notice him at all. I wonder who walked past him and didn’t want to notice him.

A desperate note was found with him.

I am an unmarried mother…Now the father abandoned us. I am devastated, but without a marriage certificate, what else can I do? Now my family is forcing me to go home and meet a date and get married. I am so ashamed to take a baby home. My son was born on December 17, 2011. I hope a kind-hearted person can adopt him. If such luck fails, please send him to a formal adoption agency to ensure his safety. I could only pay you back in the next life. Thank you!”

According to an expert specializing in “child protection,” the mother has committed the crime of abandonment and, if found, could be sentenced to up to 5 years imprisonment. The expert went on with his expert words, “The right thing for the mother to do is to sue the father who abandoned them and the father would have to pay more than half of the baby’s living expenses.”

The right thing to do. 

5 years in prison, in a country whose prisons aren’t known for honoring people, in a country where women cannot legally place a child for adoption.

Who can tell her the right thing to do?

My heart breaks for her. In the depth of my spirit, I ache for her. I pray that she knows peace before she gets to the next life. Somehow. 

Maybe I hurt so much for her as she stands as a sort of surrogate for the mother who I wish had given her daughter a letter like this, some sort of explanation, some sort of story, some sort of history, something. Maybe I want to run to this woman because who I really want to run to is the woman who carried my child. I don’t know her story—whatever it was, I know only that it was broken.

Did she do the right thing? Right things in the midst of deep brokenness are sometimes difficult to name. Today, I wish I could hold her face in my hands and tell her this –

There is no repayment, nothing you need to do, nothing you need to give. There is no luck, only God’s mercy and grace both of which make beauty from ashes, wholeness when all is broken. Be free from your shame, and take courage in the One who can give you peace in this life and the after life forever and ever.

Instead, I will hold another face in my hands and speak words of love and truth to her.

No related posts.

Follow Along!

Categories

Recent Posts