My Overthinking

Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

The practice of saying no

butterfly 2I clung to the steering wheel as if it was a floatation device and I was drowning. It seemed fitting. I felt like I was drowning. There I sat in the parking lot of the grocery store. Mothers with babies on their hips casually walking past my parked car to go pick up milk and eggs. Women shooting off one last text before finishing their errands. And, I sat there, crying wondering if we had made a very big mistake.

A few days earlier, we had been sent her file. She was beautiful. After over two years of walking down the adoption process path, we thought this could be it. We thought that this was the moment we had been waiting for. We had sat down together before an alphabetical list of words months before that day. We looked at a handful of words we couldn’t pronounce and debated over which of those words were scary and which were not-so-scary for us. None of them were without implications; we knew that. But, it almost seemed like the scariest part wasn’t the words and their implications but the actual box checking.

Months later, we saw her. Our social worker had locked her file for us and sent it via email with an intentionally warm but short, neutral message every family gets to the effect of: Look her file over. Show your doctor. Let us know if you have questions. You have a limited time to respond. And so, it began. I did what I knew to do. We poured over her file, studied her pictures, charted her measurements, read about where she was living, consulted experts, and prayed. Is this girl with silky dark hair pulled back from her face and large dark eyes our daughter?

We said yes. The time was running out on our deadline, and there was no reason to say no. The labels attached to her were diagnoses we had checked “yes” to on that list. And, as we did all that we had planned to do when that referral came, there were no big surprises. We showed her picture to our children and told our families all about her.

But, something wasn’t quite right.

Can we get another update? Can they send us video? Can we ask her foster family a few questions? Let’s get one more doctor to weigh in.

I had never done this before. I blamed it on nerves. I blamed it on my own fear of the unknown. Surely this was the biggest leap of faith I’d ever taken. But, this wasn’t what I had imagined. I found myself looking at the pictures of a beautiful girl and looking for something hidden. I read her files over and over looking for red flags. The confirmation I had prayed for wasn’t coming; the only thing coming was increased anxiety and panic.

I wanted to say yes. I felt I had to say yes. Why wouldn’t we say yes? But, why did I find myself in the dark place of looking for a reason to say no?

I fell apart in the car that day, afraid that I wasn’t only wrong about this little girl on the other side of the world who simply needed a family but that I was wrong about much, much more. If I couldn’t say yes to her, if I couldn’t move forward in being her mother, maybe I was wrong about saying yes to adoption entirely, wrong about my own motherhood, wrong about my own heart, about everything. I could barely catch my breath. How did I get to this place?

He met me there. In the tears. In the chaos. In my conversations with my husband and with our social worker and with our children. He spoke to me and took my hand.

I was right where I was supposed to be, broken and poured out, wrestling to understand Him, His will, and my role in it. It was not my job to “save her,” so very much not my job. His plan for her did not ultimately depend on me. A checked box on a 2-dimensional list did not mean that we were required to move forward to make any multidimensional child our child. Those checked boxes simply helped prepare us as adoptive parents and helped our social worker in her difficult job. That’s all. People cannot be reduced to checkboxes. I could not fear any the opinions of others that may have come. No explanation was required. It’s okay to say no.

She had arrived into my inbox and my heart like a little butterfly, gently fluttering by and landing for a moment only to flutter again to another heart where she’d safely stay for good. While she was here, God taught me more about who He is and who I am than I could have imagined. I fell apart right into His arms where He let me know that she wasn’t mine. It was those same arms that took my hand and guided me to keep going and ultimately handed me the little one was very much my daughter only 6 months later. There was still anxiety, doubt, and fear at times. But, everything was different. Somehow in the midst of all of that, there was a peace and assurance, the confirmation that I needed that told me I couldn’t say no. My heart and spirit wouldn’t let me. I had to press on; she was our daughter.

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My husband and parents went to China and all I got was…

a Spring Festival travel mug for the year of the sheep…or goat…whatever’s your fancy. (FYI: even the Chinese aren’t sure what animal it is.)

And, I adore it.

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I mean, seriously. Look at that little sheep/ram/goat guy that spins around in the bottom of the mug with every sip of the life-giving brew inside.

#adorable

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Makes me happy and totally forget that I wasn’t able to even talk to my husband for the last week and a half while he was in Guangzhou…in warm weather…while we were stuck still in winter…doing work that I love to do by his side.

I’ve got a Spring Festival Starbucks mug. All is well in the world.

At least for today.

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Helen

Helen in sunroomThere is an infant carseat sitting in front of me as I write. It’s been so long since I used one. Maybe using one is like riding a bike?

I haven’t written much since November. That’s because something big happened on November 4th—our family sort of grew. And, honestly, I wasn’t sure how to talk about it and what to share, even what was safe to share. But, my defenses are down now; infant car seats have a way of doing that to you.

We’ve known Helen and her husband Frank for a number of years now. In fact, we met them in person for the first time the night we arrived in Beijing in 2010 to adopt our daughter. Despite inherent challenges, they left promising careers in China’s booming business industry to join staff in the work we are also a part of in China—IECS.

Months after we met them in Beijing, we celebrated that their own family was growing. Per the norm there, Helen went to her doctor often, an all-day experience that she’d fear as doctors typically use scare tactics with expecting parents to get them to agree to more tests insisting they are needed. When the doctor told the technician during one of their monthly ultrasounds to tell them the gender of their baby, she was not happy. Usually, she gets paid extra for that. She told Frank and Helen they were having a girl. But, Helen knew she was lying. We were all hoping it was true though because the family planning rules where they are from allow them to have a second child if their first child is a girl.

On February 14th, 2011, they gave birth to a boy—a super smart, strong-willed, people-oriented little (sorry, big, if you ask him now) boy we call Caleb.

They knew they wanted another child. But having a son already, growing their family again was not allowed. Knowing the risks, they took a leap of faith and had the mandated birth control removed from her womb, trusting the maker of life with their future.

This past summer, I received an email not unlike many messages I’ve received over the years from other girlfriends sharing very exciting news. But, this time, the conversation that followed wasn’t about paint colors and name options. Frank and Helen are from the most conservative area in China when it comes to upholding the family planning policy. While many localities have relaxed the policy and give a lot of allowances to families, their region has not. The reality of the risks hit us hard as we heard about cases of forced abor-ions and family members being held by authorities until the couple in question shows up.

They were prepared to deal with it. There were a few options they were considering to take for their family’s protection within China. Many people have had to do that before them. But, we were not willing to have them take that risk.

Her first Visa application to come to the United States to receive training with the international organization they work for and visit the other staff was denied. In fact, the consulate officers didn’t even look at her application and sent her away. But, we encouraged her to try again, this time bringing all sorts of supporting documentation, way more than was required. As she stood in line for hours, everyone in front of her applying for the same Visa was denied. Over and over again, Chinese people walked away having spent large sums of money to even come to Beijing to apply for the Visa broken hearted. She just kept praying specifically that she would get the one woman officer and that she’d be soft towards her. When it was her turn to approach the window, she was called to the window of the one woman officer. She looked at all her paperwork. She asked her questions, some of which communicated that she was a like-minded woman herself. And, then, just like that, her papers were stamped in red ink. Helen and Caleb were coming to America.

On November 4th, Frank, Helen, and Caleb all arrived into our little home whose playroom had just become a small guest room. Frank returned to China two weeks later, and Helen and Caleb have been here since then, enjoying daily walks to our library (where they live in China, there are no libraries for children) and adjusting well to life in a faraway land. Only 1 week from now, Frank will be joining us again and staying until their baby—their daughter—arrives. About a month later, as soon as we can get all their paperwork in order, they will return to China with their arms full. They will have a large fine to pay when they eventually register their daughter there—in fact, it’s 7x their salary. But, fines are payable.

Helen has no idea how to use this infant carseat contraption. She keeps looking at it as if it’s some crazy piece of equipment. I guess it sorta is for someone who has never used a carseat. Crazy or not, I can’t wait to meet that little girl whose going to be using it.

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Overthinking Chinese New Year books

I have posted these reviews before. But, since Spring Festival happens every year (It’s February 19th, this year), I decided maybe this post should too.

I’ve scoured websites and bookshelves for every Chinese New Year/Spring Festival themed kids’ book around to read to our clan in anticipation of the holiday. We found some good ones and some not so good ones.

Overthinker that I am, I hope my musings help you decide which ones are worthwhile for your clan.

No Year of the Cat from Sleeping Bear Press is a familiar folk story about the 12 animals of the Chinese zodiac and why there is no cat among them. It all starts with the emperor needing a way to remember time, when things happened, most notably the year the prince was born. His idea to name the years after animals results in a race with the winning animals making it into the ranks of becoming legacies in the calendar. Cute story and really beautiful illustrations.

 

 

Chelsea’s Chinese New Year explains Chinese New Year for the younger set. I love the size of it–a nice big paperback book (about a 9 1/2″ square) with big ole illustrations very similar in style to the Disney Channel’s Charlie and Lola. The main character, little Chelsea, explains how her Chinese American family celebrate Chinese New Year, touching on all the traditions either in the text or illustrations. Each page has a little section that gives additional information about the holiday that you can choose to read or skip over to just keep it a story. This one would be great to use in a classroom to read aloud to a group of preschoolers or kindergarteners.

 

Marcia Vaughan’s The Dancing Dragon has simplistic text about how Chinese New Year is celebrated in Chinatown. But, what makes this book worthwhile is that the pages all unfold accordion style to reveal the illustration of a long dragon from the parade. Good one to read to a classroom of kids since you could have a child hold each page as it unfolds. Just wish the book was a little larger in size–at 9″x7.5″, a couple more inches would make it much better for classroom use.

 

 

Another preschool friendly one, Joan Holub’s Dragon Dance: A Chinese New Year Lift-the-Flap Book is a popular one. Each page has 4 lines of simple text in a classic ABCB rhyming pattern (hope that’s right…trying to remember 7th grade English class) with good sized flaps to open to reveal some part of the New Year celebration, supposedly one in New York City’s Chinatown (though it wouldn’t have to be). Colorful and bold illustrations include little “extras” you can point out–the significance of the flowers, the oranges, and the super long noodles. Only complaint? The last flap ends with “Gung Hat Fat Choy!” in big ole print which is Cantonese rather than the Mandarin “Xin Nian Kuai Le!” New Year’s greeting – something that really bothered my Mandaring-learning 7 year old.

Despite mediocre illustrations, Bella and the Year of the Dragon is the best book I could find explaining the fable behind all the animals of the Chinese zodiac and their race to the emperor to determine what order they would come in for the years of the Chinese lunar calendar. And, believe me, I read a bunch that were not even worthy of a review. This one, however, does a good job explaining the fable simply but in an interesting way.

 

 

 

Celebrate Chinese New Year: With Fireworks, Dragons, and Lanterns by Carolyn Otto is a National Geographic book for kids published in 2009 (so, it doesn’t look dated). It has super compelling photographs in it that have a big wow-factor for kids and adults (including ones of Shanghai, a dinner table in Shanxi, Xi’an all lit up, children in Inner Mongolia, a parade in London, dancers in Vancouver, and fireworks in Guiyang). Includes great information without putting too many words on a page too–something that could turn the bedtime book reading into a bad scene. And, it has a great resource section in the back with facts, how to make a Chinese lantern and fortune cookies (which they do point out are an invention of either the Japanese or Chinese Americans), and where to go for more information including other books and websites. Good for real little ones if you want to just talk about the pictures and interesting enough to keep the attention of older kids (and adults).

 

This one was published in October 2011 and has won the Feng ZiKai Chinese Children’s Picture Book Award. A New Year’s Reunion was written by Yu Li-Qiong who was born in Anqing, China and who currently lives in Nanjing. It tells the fictional story of a family united only once a year when the father, one of China’s 100 million migrant workers, returns home for a few days to see his wife and daughter and celebrate the lunar new year. It’s illustrated beautifully and is a cute story of a family’s traditions, ending poignantly with the father saying goodbye to go back to work. I’m declaring this one a must-have book–not only does it describe well how a Chinese family celebrates the new year, it also shares how so many people in China live as migrant workers. Count on this book opening the door for great conversations with your kids about life in China and, possibly, questions about birth families. Get ready.

 

Though I’m not a big fan of the illustrations in Ying Chang Compestine’s The Runaway Rice Cake, I appreciate the message. The Chang family makes one rice cake with the last bit of their rice flour for their whole family of 5 to eat for Chinese New Year. In gingerbread man fashion, the rice cake comes alive and runs away, showing you elements of the New Year celebration as they chase it. When the rice cake runs into a poor and hungry elderly woman, “the rice cake stopped trying to escape” and surrenders itself to be eaten. The children are sad that their last food is gone, but they return home to an abundance, much more than they could have imagined, to their happiest New Year’s Eve ever. Some kids might find the anthropomorphized rice cake’s surrender to be eaten a bit sad (or disturbing?), but the overall message of giving generously and receiving blessings, sometimes tangible ones right away and sometimes ones we may not recognize so easily, makes this book a worthwhile family read.

 

Ying Chang Compestine wrote another runaway book – The Runaway Wok: A Chinese New Year Tale. These illustrations are way more my style–bright, funky, fun, filling the pages with color. The story is a silly fable that is sort of a mix of Jack and the Beanstalk, Ebenezer Scrooge, and the Gingerbread Man, Chinese style. My kids thought it was hilarious and were quickly repeating the catchy “skippity-hoppity-ho” line from the crazy wok. And, in addition to showing them pieces of how Chinese New Year is celebrated traditionally, it gave us the chance to talk about bigger things like sharing, justice, revenge, and mercy. This one has been read in and out of season.

Another Chinese New Year book from Ying Chang Compestine, but one very different from the runaway books. And, one I really love. Yes, Crouching Tiger is a Chinese New Year’s themed book with elements I didn’t find in other books (like that in Chinatown New Year parades, there is a “cabbage boy” who holds a head of cabbage on a bamboo pole in front of the dragon in the parade) as well as the more traditional elements (the cleaning, a new haircut, traditional foods, etc.), while also engaging readers with Chinese martial arts (each page shows a different Tai Chi position) and beautiful illustrations. But, more than that, it’s a book about a young boy learning that he is “Chinese as well as American,” a very important lesson taught to him by a loving and faithful grandfather. Don’t just get it from the library. This one you’ll want to buy, especially if you are a parent of a Chinese boy.

year of the sheepStart your own New Year tradition with this series by Oliver Chin. So far, in his Tales from the Chinese Zodiac, he’s written a story book for the Dog, Ox, Pig, Rabbit, Rat, Tiger, dragon, snake, horse, and now Sheep. All are cute little stories that capture the symbolic spirit of the zodiac animal featured. Though I haven’t read the new book for this year yet, they typically integrate some of the traditional characteristics believed for those born in that particular year with a fun story. Also, we love the iPad app for the year of the dragon and are hoping Immedium creates some new ones for the other years too since even our iPad likes to celebrate CNY.

Janet Wong’s year 2000 This Next New Year is unique in that it shows different ethnic groups in America celebrating Chinese New Year. The little boy who is the main character is half Chinese and half Korean. The book also mentions a little boy who is French and German who celebrates the holiday with Thai food to go and a little girl who is Hopi and Mexican who calls the New Year her favorite holiday because she likes getting red envelopes from her neighbor from Singapore. With vibrant colors, the boy explains with a bit of wit and humor and spunk their traditions around the New Year including washing his hair and “drying it extra dry.” A cute book for the younger set – maybe 4-7 year olds – and particularly good for pointing out that lots of different people enjoy recognizing Chinese New Year with their own little traditions.

How did I not hear of this book before? Karen Chinn’s book Sam and the Lucky Money is one that engages your children in Chinese New Year traditions while teaching a lesson of contentment and generosity. Sam is excited to get his red envelopes from his grandparents for Chinese New Year filled with $4. But, when he goes to Chinatown to buy himself something special, he’s frustrated that everything he wants is more than what he was given. When he sees an elderly homeless man without shoes on his feet, he gives all his money to him. I’m more of a bright, funky illustration type of person, so the soft watercolors didn’t wow me like they might for some. But, the message is one that does wow me. And, it gives you the opportunity to talk to your child about what it means “to be lucky” and if there even is such a thing.

Red Eggs & Dragon Boats: Celebrating Chinese Festivals by Carol Stepanchuk is a great kids’ reference book for Chinese New Year, the grave sweeping holiday (Clear Brightness–which we were in China for), red egg and ginger celebrations, the Dragon Boat Festival, and the Moon Festival. Loads of information about those holidays, fables, and other traditions are in here and explained in a way that a grade schooler can understand. The color illustrations are really pretty–made me wish they were fabrics for a cute little dress for my little one. Published in 1994, I think it’s now out of print. But, you can find used copies around. And, honestly, I hope they update and reprint this one. It really is well put together.

Want a book for an older girl? You might want to check out The Chinese New Year Mystery, a classic Nancy Drew mystery. In classic Nancy Drew style, their school is getting ready for the Chinese New Year parade when the dragon is stolen. Nancy Drew (you can’t just call her Nancy) has to figure out who stole the dragon so that the parade can go on. Traditions of the Chinese New Year are described as one of Nancy’s friends, Mari Cheng, is Chinese American. There’s a little bit of interesting drama too as a few girls mouth off about Chinese New Year being “stupid.” Hmmm…could lead to some interesting conversations.

Another one I really like is Cheng Hou-tien’s The Chinese New Year. We got it from the library since it’s an old book and hard to find. The book explains Chinese New Year traditions with the only illustrations being black colored paper cuttings on a white background which is so beautiful actually. May not wow your little ones as much since it isn’t bright and eye catching, but the art of scissor cutting in China just fascinates me. And, aren’t black and white designs supposed to be good for babies to look at? I’m sure it will make your child ions smarter.

I also came across this pack of resources for the classroom which could be a great help if you are visiting your child’s classroom to celebrate Spring Festival or if you are hosting a little party.

There are a few others yet I’d like to check out – Celebrating Chinese New Year: An Activity Book since we’re into activity books, A to Z Mysteries Super Edition #5: The New Year Dragon Dilemma which looks like a boy might enjoy it too (my boys just won’t read Nancy Drew), and Lucky New Year! Board book even though we have graduated from board books, the pop up feature in this one looks super cool. Some others have recommended Great Race, The Paper Dragon, and Long-Long’s New Year: A Story About the Chinese Spring Festival. But, I haven’t gotten my hands on those yet.

Any others you think I should add to our Chinese New Year library?

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