It was 6:15, and I was sitting in my green chair, the one where you can always find me at about that time. I may be reading, my 5 lb. ESV on my lap giving me comfort the same way a weighted blanket would. I may be writing in my spiral notebook that I never leave home without. I may just be there, eyes shut, trying to focus long enough to really have a conversation with God. Regardless, most mornings I’m there, coffee in hand, enjoying the quiet and the light of the lamp beside me as the world outside is still waking up.

How could I feel tired when the day had not yet even started? It was a different kind of tired, not the kind that another 30 minutes of sleep cures. It was the kind of tired that led me to ask God to fill me and give me what I needed so I could serve with boldness and compassion. As soon as I had asked, I felt as if God replied; He wanted me to ask for something more. It isn’t just boldness and compassion that I need; I need something richer, deeper still. What I need is bold compassion and compassionate boldness. It’s a minor change in verbiage, I know, but a weighted change.

I can no longer get away with 11-o’clock-news compassion, you know, the kind of compassion that lasts about 2 minutes until something else pops up and distracts me from it. I’m pretty good at that kind of compassion. I can put my hand on my chest, wax poetic, say the right things, sound affected, and honestly feel like I am…for a couple minutes. And, then something else grabs my attention, and life moves on. But, I need bold compassion, the kind of compassion that breaks my heart a little, makes my stomach hurt, compelling compassion that moves me to some sort of action be it small or not so small. It’s compassion that disrupts my day and my plan, makes life uncomfortable. It’s compassion that changes me and that God miraculously uses to change the world. Give me that compassion, God.

And, the boldness I asked God for? I was picturing some sort of triune boldness, boldness for me to step up, stand up, and speak up. That kind of boldness seems empowering, right? I step up. I stand up. I speak up. I’m seen. I’m heard. I’m…I’m…I’m… Do you hear that? That kind of boldness may produce something good; it could lead to some world change. But, I’d be patting myself on the back when it did. He wants something more from me. I need a different kind of boldness entirely, boldness for action that isn’t focused on me at all, compassionate boldness that makes my life different before seeking to make others’ lives different, cross-shaped boldness that makes me willing to die to myself for the good of someone else. Give me that boldness, God.

Everybody needs opportunities that drive them to such fatigue to ask God for big things so God can speak and mold their hearts and change what they’re asking for. And, maybe everybody needs a green chair and good coffee to drink while they’re in it.