Wordless Wednesday
Hitting Delete
I hate hitting delete.
Rainbow Kids is a web listing of children available for adoption. When we joined the special needs program after waiting for years in the healthy child program, I visited Rainbow Kids regularly and registered to receive email updates from them when a child was added to the list who fit our parameters.
I never unsubscribed to these emails. So, I still regularly see these emails arrive into my inbox. And, I can’t just hit delete. I always click on the link provided and go to the site to see the child. I always read about him or her. My heart is always pulled.
But, I click on the red circle to close the window. And, I return to my inbox. And, I hit delete. I hate hitting delete.
We just received the wonderful news that the child, Owen, who we have sponsored at New Day Foster Home since before we knew our own daughter has just been adopted. The foster home emailed us the day after he left their care to go home to Holland. When we had been home with Lydia for only a few weeks, Drew looked at the picture of Owen in our kitchen and asked me, “When are you going to China to bring him home?” I reminded him that we were only giving money to help pay for his care and that we were praying that another family would be bringing him home. We rejoice that God has heard the prayers of many and Owen has joined his family. We will now choose another child to support. We will sit down with our children and show them the pictures and read through the stories of the other children at New Day who still need sponsorship. And, my heart will be pulled.
Someone recently shared something with me. A little girl in China was abandoned by her parents and living in foster care. She was one of the orphans fortunate enough to live with a family rather than in an institution. But, the foster family learned she had HIV. And, China, like many other places around the world, is not a place where people understand this disease. The foster family returned the girl to the orphanage, no longer willing to care for her. The orphanage, faced with fear or ignorance perhaps or maybe a simple lack of desire to do more than the “norm,” rejected her as well. So, this sweet girl is now in isolation at a local hospital unable to even receive a single visitor. She is alone. Alone. And, my heart is pulled.
How thankful I am that our God is Immanuel, God with us, that He is not a God who watches us from afar, uninvolved or simply observing us in our mess. He is a God who is with us, who came down. He is a God who cares intimately for His children. And, my heart is comforted by my God, knowing that He knows the names of each of those children who I see on my computer screen, that He holds them close when no one else does, that He knows their hearts and their dreams when no one may even know their real birthdate. My heart is comforted knowing that He does redeem us in our tragic fallenness, that He is sovereign over red tape and government systems and protocols and officials who do not know Him and He puts families together, putting the lonely in families and giving the lonely children to love. My heart is comforted knowing that even when that little girl who has been rejected not just once but three times—by her birthparents, by her foster family, by the orphanage—lives in isolation, God is not a God of isolation. And, I pray that in that room, He will meet her and be with her in a tangible way. Somehow.
Our home is full. Our lives are full. We are busy and have no trouble falling asleep at the end of the day. But, I still hate hitting delete.
UPDATE — I emailed the person who shared the story of the little girl, whose name is Grace, with me. Prayers have already been answered. A foreign family living in China is now fostering her–Praise God. I was told that Grace is doing really well and seems happy and that the family is “quite taken by her.” I also was sent a link to an amazing ministry that is small now but growing–Elim Kids. I just emailed them to find out more about Grace. And, I was told that they are currently looking for volunteers to go to China for a month or more to foster HIV+ orphans. If you know of anyone interested, contact me or them directly.
In my defense
I’m really not a negligent parent.
Honestly.
I was in the next room on my computer and Lydia disappeared for maybe 2 minutes.
Honestly.
Then, she brought me an egg carton….wet…with egg yolks. I noticed her clothes were also wet…with egg yolks. And, I rushed into the kitchen to find…this
She felt convicted for a few seconds…I think…
Okay, what do I expect? I was snapping pictures.
“Mess. Mess. Mess.”
I was forced to leave the “mess, mess, mess” there and just quickly wash her up and change her because we had to go pick up Drew from preschool. When we got home, while I’m cleaning up egg goo, I turn around and see this…
She has taken her pants off and put on Drew’s boots and was shuffling around…looking for more trouble to get into, I’m sure.
In my defense, I am really not a negligent parent. This girl is just plain crazy.
Two days ago, she propelled herself out of her crib. No kidding. She was supposed to be napping when I heard a crash and crying. Rushing upstairs, I found her on the floor. The side of the crib was still fully up. How does that happen? How is that possible? When we were in China, we worried because the crib the hotel provided was very shallow and had side rails maybe a foot high. It was really more like a bassinet. Totally not safe for a toddler. But, she was just fine in there. Just laid there. BUT, that was 10 months ago.
On Tuesday, her Community Bible Study teachers asked me if I had a harness for her. Yup. Not making it up. They said she is all over the place and “not only on one plane.” I know. She is a climber. And a runner. And an egg thrower. And a monkey.
We took this video clip in November.
Granted, you hear us encouraging her in the clip. That was November. That was before she darted away from us at Drew’s school Christmas program, forcing Mark to stand on bleachers and yell, “HEY! I can’t find my daughter! She’s a little (pause) Chinese girl!” — a quote that the other three thought was so darn hilarious that they continue to say it around the house. Nice. That was before she sling-shotted herself out of the crib. That was before her teachers suggest I use a leash for her.
And, we’re going to Disney in 21 days.
I just ordered tattoos that will have our cell phone number on them.
Top 10 (+) Photos of 2010
Just because I don’t have the post-holiday blues does not mean I am not nostalgic about 2010. This year will be one that will never be forgotten–not that any of our years thus far are worthy of forgetting. But, you know what I mean. It was a very significant year for us from the very beginning.
I tried to narrow down my favorite photos of the year to a top 10 list. But, come on, people. It was just too exciting this year to limit it to a top 10. So, sorry. You are going to have to look at 20 instead.
#20 & #19 — Our fish
Our older 3 kids finally started swimming. And, our youngest, well, she is just part mermaid or something. I love these shots taken at my parents’ condo in Fenwick Island, DE that capture their excitement. They capture tradition for me too–family vacation every summer now with Lydia joining us.
#18 – Determination
Despite our reservations initially, Ashlyn begged to take Chinese. Every Sunday afternoon, I take her to class, learning a few things myself (confession–Mark says I’m more of a one-trick pony with my repeating of “what is your name?” in Chinese over and over again). Love this picture because it reminds me of how brave and determined Ashlyn is.
#17 – Sillyness
Drew is our clown. Love how this picture captures his sillyness and Lydia’s reaction to it (a sort of “what in the world?” type of response).
#16 – Yahoo!
Even Mark is looking excited in this one. We visited Great Wolf Lodge this summer for a reunion with our adoption agency. Our kids had a ball. Evan tells pretty much everyone that his favorite places are Great Wolf Lodge and Disney World.
#15 – Growth
Evan made such huge strides this year in school and personally. I love this picture of him observing nature and drawing his observations. It just captures his growth this year to me. Somehow, when I wasn’t looking, he really grew up.
#14 – Love
I took this year in February 2010 when we celebrated Chinese New Year. I didn’t pose them at all, maybe that’s why I like it so much. Ashlyn was so sweet with her little brother, and Drew just is loving his big sister.
#13 – Jiayin Designs
In May, I helped a friend in Beijing, Lydia’s godmother actually, start up an online business geared towards adoptive families. It has been a real joy to me this year to help her support her family, provide employment for some Chinese people who were otherwise unemployed (the grandmother who makes tiger items and the young woman who makes the dolls for us, specifically), and provide real treasures for adoptive families and their children.
#12 – We Are Grafted In website and forum
Another project I took on this year that has been a real blessing to me.
#11 – Friendship and Community
I have been so blessed by friendships with women who I’ve connected with through the adoption community. Most of these women I’ve never even met. This picture is of my friend Angie and her daughter Emma as we skyped shortly after Angie received Emma in Xi’an. I love this picture because I can remember the overwhelming feeling I had when I saw them together finally. And, it just seems to capture the feeling I have about all the friendships God has blessed me with in 2010 with other adoptive mommies.
#10 – Beauty
I remember taking this picture while Lydia sat on our bed at the White Swan hotel on Easter morning. I remember being simply in awe of her beauty. I still am.
#9 – Celebration
I look at this picture now and can’t believe I let everyone crowd Lydia like this right after getting off the plane. But, I still love the picture. You can get a real sense of how much our family already loved this child and how excited everyone was to see her finally come home.
#8 and #7 – Family
It’s not easy to get good family pictures. In fact, I think your chance of getting a good picture decreases exponentially with each additional child. These pictures though are so special to me. The first one was from Father’s Day only a couple months after we were home. Lydia looks so tiny still. The second one was taken on Thanksgiving. I love how alive and happy she looks and how Ashlyn and Drew are looking at her. It was a posed shot for our Christmas card–but the kids weren’t posed. Their looking at her was just them being them. And, I love that.
#6 – A Godly Father
One of my favorite all-time pictures of Mark. He was on his knees beside Lydia who was falling asleep in her crib soon after we received her in Xi’an. Everything was so new, so overwhelming. This picture reminds me of Mark’s quiet nature, his humble strength, his commitment to his family, his obedience to God’s call even when it’s scary, and his heart for adoption that was growing in leaps and bounds when this picture was taken.
#5 – Our peanut
I remember so clearly when we got our phone call in January from Sarah who told us she couldn’t wait until the morning and had to email us a little girl’s file to review. We opened it up and this was the first picture we saw. I kept saying to Mark, “She’s so teeny. She’s such a peanut.” I so wanted this little one to be our Lydia.
#4 & #3 – Answered Prayers
If you have read our referral story, you know that Lydia was failing in health according to her original referral. Her measurements were alarming–in fact, they were not life sustaining if they would continue on the same curve (or line). Unsure of what to do, we could not just let her go. We asked for an update and prayed for very specific growth numbers (as pictured in the bottom picture–that was the note where I figured out what numbers to pray for in the update). And, I mean prayed; I don’t think I’ve ever prayed with so much passion. We very quickly got our update with three pictures of our peanut looking simply beautiful and strong. This was one of those pictures. These pictures are not just favorites because they remind me of the moment we knew for sure Mei Yue was our daughter; they also remind me of God’s mercy and how He hears our prayers, our specific prayers, and answers them.
#2 – All Things New
Mark took this picture of Lydia and me as we left the Civil Affairs Office on March 28th. I look at it and can remember how fast my heart was pounding and how full it felt. I remember how small Lydia was and how confused she seemed. I love how it captures just a normal street in Xi’an, dusty and somewhat dreary. It makes the newness of “us” all the more extraordinary.
#1 – My daughter
No explanation needed. She’s amazing. And, by God’s grace, she’s my daughter.
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