The money from The Sparrow Fund’s May fundraising drive is starting to come in. I finished editing the dissertations I had to do. I still have beads from Nairobi all over my dining room, but it has been selling some. And, I’m not anxious about it. It’s God’s story really, and I know He will provide the money to send to these hardworking women who need it.

I actually had a break in the calendar today. No text on my ical but tortellini for dinner and a hair appointment tonight. It was the perfect day to head to the Y for a little exercise. It’s been forever since I’ve been there to work out. And, I’m feeling it. Things are fitting a bit snug, and wearing my bathing suit over Memorial Day weekend down at the beach was not so comfortable. I had to go. 10 pounds. I’d really like to lose 10 lbs. I’ve weighed that before and felt really good.

Drew was pumped about the childcare room, so excited to build something with Legos there. Lydia ran behind him happy…until we arrived.

Arms and legs wrapped around me. “Hol me! Hol me!” Tears. Not just tears. Loud tears. I heard a lot of “No mommy. No mommy.” She even hit me at one point, just to get her point across, I guess. She was mad. They put Dora on for her to no avail. She still screamed. And, there I am, in full work-out gear, at the Y after months of not going, with water bottle and earbuds in hand. What do I do now?

I left her. I walked out while she was crying. I hugged her and told her I’d be back. I told the ladies there to come get me if she was still upset after 10 minutes. And, I left.

I need a break. I so want a break. I just want 30 minutes to myself. I rarely get time to myself. Come on. Seriously Lydia, we have to get you used to this because if I need a break now, I’m seriously going to need a break this summer when all 4 are with me full-time. And, I really need exercise, super really need it.

I got on that machine. I don’t know what it’s called–some elliptical type of thing. And, I start going.

3 minutes. Oh my gosh. I’m not going to make it. This is way harder than it used to be. I don’t care that I’m listening to Ann Curry in my earbuds. Nothing is worth listening to that much to keep me on this thing. I don’t know if I can do this.

5 minutes. Okay. Just try to make it to 15. I can’t quit now. Drew probably hasn’t even finished his Lego creation yet. And, I told the ladies to come get me in 10 minutes if Lydia was still upset. I’ve gotta make it past 10 minutes at least.

10 minutes. I’ve gotta stop looking at the timer. I try to stop but still find myself looking every 20 seconds. I hate sweating. I should have brought a towel.

Every minute is painful.

15:00 – not a second over. No wind down for me. I just stopped. I somehow gathered up enough strength to clean the machine, grab my stuff, and walk back to the lobby where I proceeded to sit to rest a bit.

I email Mark. Subject line – “15 minutes.” Content “and I feel like I’m gonna die.” He emails back “Keep moving. You can do it. Make it to 30.” He has no idea.

Maybe I shouldn’t be leaving Lydia like that. I mean, she was really crying. And, I’m so thankful that she wanted me and is depending on me for comfort and security. Maybe leaving her when she’s like that is not such a good idea. I don’t need to work out. I mean, I’ll probably get a good bit of exercise simply being at the park with the kids and taking them to the pool this summer. And, who cares if I’m a little bigger than I’d like to be anyway. I’m a mom of 4 kids. And, I haven’t totally grown out of my clothes. They are just a little snug. I just won’t eat as much. I’ll make more salads. I love fruit in the summer.

Okay, my breathing has slowed. I think I can walk now without feeling like my legs are wet noodles.

Off to pick up the kids.

And, there she was, happy as a clam. “She was happy as soon as you left.” Great. “She is a climber though. She was trying to stand on the window sill.” Yes, she’s a monkey, I tell the lady. “She must get that from the other side, huh?” I smile. I’m thinking she does not mean the other side of the world. I don’t have the energy in me to explain. Drew, of course, didn’t want to leave.

Shoot. Guess I’m headed back there to work out again soon. Well, as soon as my workout clothes are clean and my legs no longer ache.