I’ve spent more than a few nights lately laying in bed before my weariness carries me to sleep and wondering what I’m doing.

I’m a mother. with 4 children.

The responsibility of that can be overwhelming. I’m not talking about the responsibility of getting them to school on time wearing clean clothes with lunches packed with the food that each child will actually eat with homework completed. I’m talking about the responsibility to grow them to fear God. Glorify Him. Love others. Live for Him.

Yesterday, one was crying while two others were arguing and another one was demanding to be held all while I was trying to make dinner. Without hashing it all out again, let me just say, I didn’t respond real well.

When I hear them speak unkindly to each other, when Lydia hits, when they all speak over each other at the dinner table, I wonder if I really know what I’m doing here. I wonder if God may have made a mistake making me a mother of four.

But, God doesn’t make mistakes.

And, I don’t know what I’m doing here, to be honest. But, He does. And, for some crazy reason beyond my comprehension, He chose to give these treasures to me to raise, even in my incompetence and frailty.

When I’m laying in bed, I’m reminded. God doesn’t want mushrooms; God wants oak trees.

Some mushrooms can grow in only a few hours. Sometimes it seems like you can practically see them growing right in front of you. And, as cute as a little mushroom can be, they have no stems, no leaves, and no roots. They also have no chlorophyll, meaning they have no way of making their own food to sustain themselves. They’re good–and they can produce more mushrooms. But, they aren’t best.

But, oak trees? An acorn can take years to become a full grown tree. The growth from day to day is impossible to notice. You can only see it year to year–even then, it’s not easy to see. But, in the end, that oak is strong. They endure–in fact, they can live for up to 200 years. And, an oak tree’s roots? Remarkable. Some used to think that the tree’s roots out of view mirrored the branches we can see exactly. But, that’s not the case. The roots of a healthy oak tree are much more intricate, much deeper, much more complicated than the branches and leaves we can see. Roots can stretch hundreds of yards from the base of the tree, detecting things that could affect the health and growth of that tree and carefully responding to them. And, even when no growth can be seen in that tree, miraculously, those roots keep growing–in fact, up to 25 mm. a day. If you could carefully brush away the soil and get a close look at those roots, you nearly could see them growing under the surface, seeking out oxygen and water despite obstacles.

That’s what God is looking for in our children and what He asks of me as a mother–grow “oaks of righteousness.”

My family is not the picture of perfection. Our kids don’t sit up straight and set a table nicely and refrain from interrupting. Let me make this a bit more clear–they are the kids who throw tantrums at the grocery store and complain when I tell them they can’t play Wii for a second hour on a beautiful Saturday afternoon and pinch and argue while I’m trying to have a significant conversation with a young mother after church. We don’t have family devotions regularly. And, our prayers before bed are often rushed as the fatigue of the day is on me.

But, I’m going to choose today to believe that God is somehow using me to grow those strong branches. And, I’m going to celebrate those glimpses of little bits of growth for those 4 trees living in our home. Questions about who God is. Little made-up songs about Jesus. Giggles and joy over a kiss from a baby sister. A boy who tells us he is ready to try Sunday School after 10 years of refusing.

I don’t want mushrooms. I want oak trees.