My Overthinking

Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

The little I know

The expectant mom I had posted about weeks ago should be having her baby soon. But, I really don’t know more than that. 
A friend had rushed to get a homestudy completed and had been one of the families counselors showed this mom. She showed me her profile, eager for feedback and any suggestions and more eager still to become a mom again herself. She did such a good job telling their story in pictures and word alike, assuring this young mother that they would love and care for her child. How hard to have to put all that somehow onto a two-dimensional file, all their years of infertility, tears, heartache, and dreams now transferable as a pdf file via email. 
I know the ache she has, the ache to hear another child call her mama, the ache to have a child on each hand. I know the battle within as she desires contentment but sits at dinner unable to look past an empty chair. I’ve been there too. And, I’m so glad that my arms are full. Where she is right now, where I once was, it’s not an easy season to endure.
She heard a few days ago that “they weren’t what she was looking for.” In one brief email and a phrase not unlike that an actor hears after an audition, her dreams of becoming a mommy again in only a couple weeks are over. The carseat that had been cleaned off will go back to storage and wait again quietly, collecting new dust until another day.
If I worked at it, I might be able to find out a bit more. But, I won’t. I pray she has found what she was looking for, hopefully that being the support she needs to parent this little person who has been growing within her. But, if she has made the hard choice to allow another to parent her child, I am praying now for her as she moves from being an expectant mom to a birth mom and the deep emotional impact that has as well as the couple as they prepare to move from one season to another, as their waiting ends and dreams begin.

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Supercrazy Superbowl Sunday

I confess that in a couple hours, our family of 6 will contribute to the 28 million lbs. of chips that are consumed today and the 53.5 million lbs. of avocado.

However, I just want to make clear to you all out there that I am also one of the 60% of Superbowl viewers who do not consider themselves football fans. And, yes, I am one of the 44% of women who watch for the commercials…and maybe the half-time show too.

As much fun as chips and guac and routing for the ole Baltimore home team is for me, I am not one of the 15% who would miss the birth of my own child to attend the game.

America’s a bunch of crazies.

  Big Numbers for the Big Game

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On Your 9th Year

Dear Ashlyn,
You turned 9 yesterday. I asked you want you wanted to do for your birthday. In typical Ashlyn style, you had a full plan for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and pretty much every moment in between–decorations, diner, fresh toast, a visit to school for lunch, $.90 ice cream treats from the cafeteria, cheeseburgers and fries, candy apples and a golden snitch cake, and maybe a few gifts to open.

I’m sorta glad you kept me busy. Kept me from thinking too too much about the fact that you’re now 9 years old and keep getting bigger despite my demands that you stay small.

At the risk of you rolling your eyes at me a little, I’ve got one last gift for you.

Seems like you’ve been growing up a lot lately leading up to this birthday. You understand things more deeply. You care about things more deeply. And, I’ve seen you love more deeply.

I know you are dreaming about things like a trip to Disney World sometime in your ninth year of life. But, I’ve got another dream for you this year. I am dreaming of watching you grow in wisdom. As your body grows and your heart grows, I am praying you grow in wisdom so that you know how to best honor your body and your heart in a way that pleases the One who made them in the first place. I want you to grow strong–I know you already are doing just that. And, I want you to grow in mercy–and I see glimpses of that that make my heart soar. But, I want you to also learn wisdom to know when to give of yourself and when to guard yourself.

Wisdom isn’t an easy thing to learn. Reading every single book on that new Kindle of yours can teach you a lot, but wisdom isn’t one of them. The only way to start learning wisdom is know who God is and who you are–His daughter, the daughter of the King. As you are sitting at your desk working on some project and as you are laying in bed at night reading, I want you to think about what that might mean. And, when things aren’t so quiet, when you are at recess at school or playing outside with your brothers and sister, I want you to remember what you are learning. And, you may just start to notice the fruit of wisdom growing on those branches, dear Ashlyn, my tree planted by the water.

It’s a big year–your last one as a single digit. So, if you think I’m all wordy and giving you too much to think about now, you just wait until next year. Surely, two digits means at least twice the amount of words from your mama.

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#createdforcare

I didn’t take the red eye home; my eyes are just still red from a whole lot of connecting at Created for Care this weekend. This morning, I frantically searched my purse for my car keys…while sitting in the driver’s seat with the engine running. That’s how tired I am yet today from super late nights and lots of chatting it up with kindred spirits.

Such good stuff though it didn’t start out so good.

Got into Atlanta from Philly Thursday evening and was greeted by Samantha and her daughter Hannah who were local chics who had volunteered to be our chauffeurs. Made us feel all VIP and stuff…until I got a message in the car from the woman who I had invited to join us as a VIP who was waiting for us in baggage claim (40 minutes back at the airport).

That’s right. Despite the fact that she is the cutest mom ever, I forgot that a month earlier I offered to have her join us…and she was left at the airport. (clear throat) I left her at the airport.

Welcome to Altanta, friend. Now, get your own ride. Not my finest moment.

As I fretted in the car and called everybody I could think of who might be able to pick her up, she called her roomies who had arrived earlier and they jumped right in the car to go get her. So, she didn’t stay at the Atlanta airport all weekend. And, I made sure I found her as soon as she arrived so that I could give her a hug and sleep a little easier that night. Lucky for me she was gracious in addition to being cute.

Once I was able to hold my head up again, God used pretty much every minute of the weekend to bless and encourage me.

In the first rush of arrivals, a mama came up to introduce herself and thanked me for how we serve adoptive families. She pulled out a picture of the precious little one waiting for her to bring her home from China and told me we played a part in that through the grant we gave their family. Another mom showed me pictures of her open house where she used the jewelry we offer for families to use to fundraise for their adoptions. She thanked me and wanted me to know that there were real families being blessed by what we do. It was like the smiles of a newborn baby right there in front of me–just when you think you’re exhausted and wondering how much longer you can keep on keeping on, that newborn smiles at you and somehow the thought of serving seems more of a blessing to you than anyone else. Yeah, that’s what those women were like for me.

The conversations shared around our tables. The late night slumber parties where we shared a lot of laughter and a few tears. Wrestling over who God is and how we should view adoption in light of who He is along with other mamas who love Him. Dreaming with other women about the ministry He has set before us. Being poured into and blessed by adoptive mothers who have done this thing and gone before us and want to walk with us. Worshipping together with a spirit-filled leader and hearing 450 women’s voices fill the room as an offering to the One who brought our families together and all of us together at that moment.

That’s good stuff. 

I ran on home ready to do this thing called motherhood and ministry with renewed energy–and was met with hugs and flowers when I arrived. In my heart, I’m already committed to next year, just not committing to getting anyone else from the airport just yet…and maybe never.

If you were there too, I want to read your thoughts and see your pictures and keep that encouragement coming.

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