My Overthinking

Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

What’s fair {for the brother or sister of a child with special needs} {Encore}

Originally posted in April of 2013, I still often share this story. In fact, I shared it with someone just this yesterday.

________________

Tell your mom I need to talk to her before you leave.

Please tell me I’m not the only mom who receives that message from her child and sinks a little. Come on. I figure either (a) someone wants me to do something (which I likely won’t want to do) or (b) my kid did something (that I likely don’t want to hear).

I shouldn’t overthink everything.

It wasn’t a or b. He told me this:

I joined the kids at recess today to play kickball and was so in awe of your daughter. One of our autistic kids wanted to play but didn’t get it. His aide was there helping him, but it just wasn’t working. He’d kick the ball but couldn’t grasp what to do next. Ashlyn was amazing; she went right up to him, stood by home plate, and told him to hold her hand. She ran with him around the bases. The aide and I were stunned. It was just amazing, and I just wanted to tell you that.

sibling special needsI remember a time (okay…many times) I overthought something else. We have a son with some special needs. For years, our family has ebbed and flowed by his needs. Is that fair to our other children? Enter adoption, a special needs adoption, and the addition of another child (this time by choice) who would have some special needs that would require a bit more from us. How would this affect our son who already had his own struggles? What about our other two? Was this fair?

When that teacher shared that one little story, I realized I had always asked the wrong question. It’s not about being fair. That question itself implies that our “average” kids were losing out on something, denied something owed them. There’s a better question: Is it right?

Is it right for our children to learn to be flexible, to learn that their needs don’t always come first? Is it right for our children to learn that God has made each one of us differently and uniquely? Is it right for our children to learn to defend the weak and come alongside the hurting? Is it right for our children to learn to die to themselves for the sake of another?

We’re a family. We’re all here, each one of us with unique needs, some a bit more challenging than others, but we’ve all got unique needs. From my vantage point as I count the heads around our dinner table and tuck each one in at night, it’s all just right.

No related posts.

…but we’re afraid {Encore}

afraid to adoptThis post originally posted nearly a year ago as well. The most exciting thing about this encore post is that the mama who emailed me and inspired this post is now waiting to get the word that she can travel to China to bring home her beautiful little baby girl.

______________

The words in my inbox were words I had read before.

we’ve been prayerfully considering adoption…but we are both still wrestling with a lot of fear and uncertainty….I know God will provide, but I really don’t know how to move beyond this place of fear.

The same words have been parts of other messages from other women. The same words had been written on my own heart years ago.

I remember when our family story began. Mark and I met at Young Life camp right before my senior year of college. Only 3 months later, after only phone calls and emails (which was nearly brand new), we started talking serious, and I knew where we were headed. After one of those late night phone calls with Mark, I called my mom, and I cried. I was scared out of my mind. I knew he was amazing and that God was leading and I was following — all good things. But, I was so uncomfortable and scared of the unknown and the commitment I was likely to be saying yes to soon. Fear and uncertainty filled me. My mom said something seemingly not all that brilliant; yet, 15 years later, here I am with her words still playing over in my head. They were words that quieted me and helped me move past my own self in spite of myself.

Kelly, I’d be worried if you weren’t scared.

Here’s the thing. Adoption is a big deal. And, wrestling with fear and uncertainty is right where you should be. It’s all part of the adoption journey. If we take that lightly and not wrestle with it, well, that’s when I’d be concerned.

It’s really not about having the best parenting skills or being able to stay at home or knowing all about attachment or all that we can wrongly claim as making as fully able and therefore ready. It’s about discerning if God has called you to it and if He has, if that timing is now. Even after we discerned that ourselves, I still battled fear, fear that literally took me prostrate to the ground at times. Some days while we waited, I wondered if we were making a mistake. I wondered if I forced something and if we were headed down the wrong path, if I’d be able to cut it, if I could really love a child who wasn’t “my own,” if I was motivated by the wrong reasons. But, God wouldn’t let us not do it. So, we pressed on. It wasn’t the easiest road–the wait, looking over files of very real children, traveling across the world, coming home with a toddler who was now our own, the grafting process. But, I know that right here is where God wants me to be, even when I’m overwhelmed by my inadequacy and wondering what He’s doing.

No one is “perfect” for this journey. But, He is and the journey itself is when He has called you to it.

No related posts.

“Desperately Seeking Birthmother” {Encore}

This post originally published back in January of 2013, nearly a year ago, got a lot of attention. In fact, it led to some powerful interaction with an insightful adoption rights blogger and world changer and a radio appearance. Super proud of being a part of some world change myself through this piece.

____________

It was about a year ago. We were standing outside a cafe chatting away, adoptive moms to adoptive moms. I don’t even remember what I was talking about exactly when another mom, a mom who has become a dear friend (you can check out Amber’s blog by clicking HERE), interrupted me to correct me.

Expectant mom not birthmom. She’s not a birth mom until she places a child for adoption. Right now, she’s an expectant mom.

I stumbled over my words a bit but accepted her correction. Really though? Is that verbiage that big of deal? I usually overthink all the adoption verbiage, but really? Can I not use birthmom without having to overthink that too?

5 days ago, I helped a friend out by sharing her post on Facebook.

Do you know of a family who wants to adopt? I know of a PA birth mom, due 2/28-3/5 with a full Caucasian baby girl. No drug or alcohol exposure, just began prenatal care. She is parenting 2 little ones, cannot raise another baby. She does need reasonable living expenses (thus PA residents are not eligible). She is looking for an active, loving couple who is willing to meet and have ongoing contact in an open adoption. She prefers a couple under 40, but will consider a little older (40-43), would like a couple with no more than 1 child. PM me if you would like to be connected with the friend of mine who is working with her.

I just copied and pasted, didn’t overthink anything, just wanted to get the word out, trusting that the right family for this child would see it.

Whether or not the right family saw it hasn’t been confirmed yet, but I can tell you that a lot of families saw it. Like thousands of families. My inbox couldn’t keep up with all the messages I started getting. I’m still getting them–some with full profiles, their whole histories, youtube videos, etc. etc.

As I read each and every one of those messages, all from couples desperately wanting to parent, I remembered my conversation with my friend.

Expectant mom not birthmom. She’s not a birth mom until she places a child for adoption. Right now, she’s an expectant mom.

She was so right for correcting me. 

illustration by Barry Falls, grabbed from NYTimes

illustration by Barry Falls, grabbed from NYTimes

I don’t know this woman due in only 2 months. I can’t begin to understand what her days are like, what today is like for her. I imagine that she’s exhausted both physically and emotionally. I imagine she’s getting up in the middle of the night too many times to keep count between dealing with a toddler who still cries out at night and having to get up to pee…again. I imagine she fights an internal battle daily as she feels her baby girl squirming around inside her but hear’s the cries of the children she’s parenting and sees the bills stacking up on her counter. I imagine she feels alone and inadequate and remembers ideas she had of what life would be like for her and wonders if she’ll ever get remotely close to them again. I imagine she is looking for redemption somehow and thinks that maybe knowing that her baby would be raised by a couple who desperately want a child would somehow bring that. But, that’s just what I imagine.

She’s expecting. And, she’s hurting. That’s what I know.

I feel ashamed of my own act of hitting ctrl-C and ctrl-V to put those words on my page as if she’s somehow reduced to a baby carrier and that I encouraged hurting couples to write to me with verbiage in kind. I have found myself thanking those people who used the words expectant mom in their messages to me and encouraged them for their compassion and sensitivity.

So, here it goes. For anyone out there reading these words now — it’s expectant mom not birthmom. She’s not a birth mom until she places a child for adoption. Right now, she’s an expectant mom. And, if you’re talking to or about women who are considering placing their children for adoption, please use the words expectant mom. It’s kind, sensitive, compassionate towards the only thing we can truly know of them that is true–they are expecting and they are hurting.

No related posts.

Encores

It’s been quite a year.

We hosted our first Together Called through The Sparrow Fund and realized we were a part of something much bigger than what we first thought. Mark went to China for 2 weeks to do some great work at a university in Baoding in May. We started doing this crazy thing called rais*ing support so that we could do an even crazier thing called quitting the full-time job in the finance industry to be a part of that China work full-time—which we did in October. I went to China, and he went again. We entered the world of middle school (insert scary Law & Order noise here), and our eldest shocked us by seemingly mastering middle school.

It’s been big stuff this year sandwiched between lots of little stuff with big significance too. Deeper conversations with the kids. Dinners together every night. Talking about what our family is about. A child going to Sunday School willingly who would never go before. A child celebrating the success of another. Lots of day to day little things that are over in a few seconds but become a mental souvenir of a season of life that I hope to not forget.

That’s been our year. Serving in new ways, leaping in new ways, looking back with a sigh, and looking forward with anticipation.

Join me as I look back. Over the next few days, I’m sharing a few snapshots encores, a way to flip through a scrapbook with friends and say, “Oooo…yeah…I remember that.” I’ll enjoy it way more than any of you do, no doubt. But, join me anyway, nod and smile, maybe leave me a comment or two to celebrate the snapshots of life with me.

No related posts.

Follow Along!

Categories

Recent Posts