I never cared about my age. And, I even dig my grey hairs coming in. But, a few months ago, as today approached, I started feeling it.
40.
I didn’t start feeling 40; I started feeling 39, realizing that being “in my 40s” was an entirely different season than “30 something.” All those things I dreamed about doing back when I was…ahem…”30 something”…well, now I should be doing them. And, frankly, that’s a bit overwhelming and scary and makes me battle between the desire to work harder and move faster and crawl into a corner and hide.
At 39 3/4, I confessed it to Mark with a gentle suggestion that he may want to do something a little different than the normal make-me-dinner-and-buy-me-a-cake-the-kids-love-but-I-don’t deal (which, mind you, has always made me happy before). I didn’t want something that would make me feel younger; I wanted something to help me feel convinced that 40 is good…or at least not so bad.
As I approached 39 11/12, I prepared for an Eeyore birthday. But, then October 2nd happened. I walked into our Sunday morning time right into a row where my jaw dropped to find most of my dearest confidants ready to wor ship with me, including several who drove over an hour to be there and one who my husband used his miles to fly here from Michigan. Yes, that’s right. He actually flew my friend here for a birthday lunch.
We sat for hours and chatted, and they took turns sharing something they love or appreciate about me…40 year old me…as I have been and as I am now. My heart was fuller than full because the words they shared touched on the most tender places, those places where I feel insecure and doubt whether I am enough–loving people, mothering, listening, leading. I took it in then and over the next couple days, and 40 lost it’s sting. Instead of feeling like I’ve missed something or that my prime season was over, I had hope and a vision. These women were somehow blessed in the very areas where I have felt the pain of pruning. The next decade can only have more blessings in store as those places continue to be pruned and bear fruit.
I didn’t know what I wanted for my 40th birthday. I’m so glad he did.
