#ohChina

If you’re going to be in China, there are a few things you need to know.

1. Your new best friend is named Susan. And, she’s lazy. Nearly every restaurant is going to have one of these twirly deals on the table. I’ve fallen so hard for my BFF lazy Susan that I’m looking to get a round table for our kitchen and get one of our own.

2. Meals are about community, not efficiency. If you try to load up those little plates set around the big round table at meals, you will feel like a giant…and look like a rude American. Use your chopsticks and take one bite at a time as your BFF Susan brings a dish in front of you. It’s totally okay to share dishes with your friends around the table.

3. Hot water is a cure all. It’s sorta like Tylenol. It’s a wonder drug. Accept it.

4. Eating out of a plastic bag isn’t all that different than eating out of a styrofoam box. 

5. Spitting, loudly clearing your throat, slurping. It’s all good.

6. Mandarin and horn beeping are the national languages. Drivers beep their horns like some people bite their nails.

7. Lines are overrated. Why bother with lines? A crowd all moving in the same direction works just fine.

8. Yes means maybe; maybe means no; impossible means just don’t want to. Glad to clear that up for you.

9. Gift giving is the Chinese love language. They’re a big deal. And, when you give one, you’ll likely receive one. Just don’t open it right then and there.

10. Chinese is not a love language. They could be saying You are the most kindhearted person in the world and I love you and it will sorta sound like yelling.

11. Do not ever buy something for the sticker price or you’ll end up making a shopkeeper very happy and pay likely 4x more than you should.

12. There’s a big difference between the way you say Ma and the way they say Ma. Tones make a big difference in a tonal language, ya’ll.

13. Expect your allergies to bother you. Don’t have allergies? You suddenly will discover you have them after all.

14. Stock photos are the bomb just as they are. No need to customize.

15. That word you are hearing over and over again is not the N-word. Ni ga is the Chinese version of ummmm.

16. Why do the Chinese have the corner on the holiday market? I wish we all had as many holidays as they do. I think we’d be a lot happier.

17. If it has a collar and buttons, it’s a perfectly acceptable outfit. 

18. Outdoor shoes worn indoors? Are you kidding me? It’s barbaric to even think of such a thing.

19. Pa-pa-pa papparazzi complete with peace signs. Your face will be all over QQ before you step foot on American soil again.

20. Friends walk arm in arm. And, I will take your arm if we’re friends. And, I will say something about how I totally wish that was the norm in America. Just expect it…and everything else here. #ohChina